


They Hate Me

by Phosenixgirl



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Anorexia, Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, Eating Disorder, First story, Gay, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Rich - Freeform, Sad, Self Harm, Seventeen - Freeform, Smoking, Stressed, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage - Freeform, Underage Smoking, Weed, ahhhhhh, but not really, but only kind of, but only like one line, everyone has a lot of problems, helping each others depression, idle rich, kinda smut, kpop, parents are assholes, pill bottle, relationship, trigger warning though still
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-10-19 02:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17593109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phosenixgirl/pseuds/Phosenixgirl
Summary: Everyone at Mission Heights Boarding School has parents that hate them in some way. However, none have it as bad as the group of thirteen boys Wonwoo is invited to hang out with after his parents abandoned him completely. He was shocked that his family could leave him while he was floundering so badly. Shocked, but not surprised. At this point, the only one that offers any comfort is Wonwoo's new friend Mingyu. But what happens when Wonwoo can't take them being 'just friends' anymore?





	1. So, Do Your Parents Fucking Hate You Too?

It hurts when you’re all alone, so completely and utterly. No one to comfort you when you’re sad, or hold your hair back, and wipe your face with a warm cloth when you’re sick. It hurts knowing that the only people that absolutely HAD to love you no matter what, didn’t want to deal with you for longer than a week or two during breaks. It hurts when the only condolence you can find is in friends, some younger than yourself, left in the same predicament.

Jeon Wonwoo learned this quickly when his parents dumped him at Mission Heights Boarding School, a private institution where he could ‘learn to become a better heir to the empire they had created’. A place where he would be poked and prodded like clay, something they could mold into whatever they wanted to be. 

A scholar, getting straight A’s, never taking a rest from his studies. An athlete, winning his lacrosse team every game with his untouchable defense. A role model, never messing up, never allowing a sip of alcohol to touch his blushed lips, never getting scolded from a teacher, showing his younger brother how he should behave always. As if, if he were to turn out any way other than what his parents anticipated, the only one at fault would be Wonwoo himself.

 

The dorms were cold when his parents dropped him off, the warm summer day not warranting the tens of hundreds air conditioners blasting through the building, sending chills through Wonwoo’s skin the second he stepped through the icy threshold. Although, granted, those chills had many more things that could be accounted for them.

Immediately when the Jeon’s entered Wonwoo’s assigned room they were greeted with the smell of smoke, most likely drifting away from the open window, where a boy with short white hair parted in the middle was leaning against the wall, a lit stick dangling from his nimble fingers, his long legs jutting out into the already cluttered floor.

Wonwoo’s mother placed a hand in front of her nose, claiming the smell was making her nauseous and that she had to leave, taking Wonwoo’s father with her. The couple bid farewell to their son, his mother leaving a quick peck on his cheek while his father opted for a formal handshake. Both promised they’d visit soon but after seeing how swiftly they had left him there on his own, he knew it was likely they wouldn’t visit at all.

The boy gestured for Wonwoo to close the door and, despite the probable fire risk, he complied, the slim boy before him not seeming to be the type you could easily disobey. The boy nodded once the task was complete and stood. Even though Wonwoo stood a good couple inches taller than the boy, he was left feeling small in his apparent roommates presence, an experience he was less than used to.

“Yoon Jeonghan.” The lanky boy said, switching the cigarette to his left hand and stretching his arm toward Wonwoo. Wonwoo accepted it, giving a firm shake before slumping over, staring at the piles of boxes he was left to unpack alone.

Jeonghan followed his line of vision and glanced at the boxes before looking back up. Brushing his hair away from his face and taking another, quite long, drag from his cigarette, he grabbed a baseball hat from his bedside table, presumably to block out the strong rays of the sun, and began walking out the door. 

“I’m assuming you don’t want to deal with that right now,” Jeonghan said, twisting around to gesture at a particular box labeled ‘clothes’, “I’m going to meet some of my friends by the track, wanna come?” He asked.

Wonwoo nodded eagerly, following the boy as he walked through the halls, not caring about the scrutinizing looks he got from the parents dropping off their most prized possessions as he smoked away, even blowing rings in one particularly evil looking grandma’s face.

Wonwoo observed him with admiration, how could he so easily blow off everyone around him? What did his parents think of this? How did he learn to carry himself in such a way, exuding both confidence and striking a fear into whoever looked at him, despite the mellow expression on his face.

Wonwoo wondered

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The bleachers by the track were much more full than Wonwoo had expected them to be. He was anticipating interacting with three or four of Jeonghan’s close friends, not the army of eleven boys that greeted them, all but a few with wide smiles on their faces. 

“Who’s this kid?” asked one of the boys, the one with bright yellow hair, and feathery bones. One of the ones without a smile on his face.

“He’s new, parents dropped him off and left within five seconds, I figured he’d fit in with us perfectly.” Jeonghan answered, draping an arm around the nervous boys shoulder. Wonwoo nodded a bit, keeping his gaze off of any one particular person in fear of angering them.

“Ahhh,” a boy with light brown hair exclaimed, “welcome then, I’m Seungcheol,” He extended his hand and once again Wonwoo took it instantly, “How bout’ I introduce you to everyone?” Seungcheol asked, a kindness engraved on his face, making Wonwoo comfortable even in this strange place.

“Well, you already know Jeonghan, those two there,” He pointed to two boys, both with brown hair, one with an arm snaked around the other’s almost scarily small waist, “That’s Jun and Minghao, he tells people to call him The8 but no one does, so don’t worry about it. The one who probably scared the living shit out of you earlier is Woozi, again, don’t worry he’s like that with everyone.” Wonwoo turned his head as Seungcheol pointed out each and every person, the timid looking boy named Jisoo, the adorable one named Soonyoung that he was sure was the youngest but, surprise! It was actually the one with the charming smile, or Chan, as Seungcheol called him. There was a boy with american-like looks named Vernon who was holding the hand of a fluffy guy named Seungkwan, in front of them sat a sharp nosed boy who went by the name Seokmin.

“And over there,” Seungcheol pointed to the final boy, sitting behind everyone else, leaning against the bleacher behind his back. His hair was dark, as well as his skin, but it suited him well. A look Wonwoo didn’t think he could pull off himself. “That’s Kim Mingyu.” The boy raised his hand a bit, grinning at Wonwoo sweetly, the look of the devil lurking in his eyes.

After the introductions everyone’s chatter resumed, Jeonghan had gone off to sit with Seungcheol and Wonwoo was left standing by himself. He spotted the boy from earlier, Mingyu, he remembered his name being, with his head in a book, scanning the words much faster than Wonwoo expected for someone so handsome, but after all, this was an elite boarding school, designed for prodigies and the rich only. Or both, but very rarely.

After a second or two Mingyu glanced up from his page, Wonwoo looking away from him timidly, hoping to God he didn’t creep out the poor kid.

“Hey, new guy.” Mingyu called, waiting for Wonwoo to look up at him, tapping the metal next to him once he did. Wonwoo cautiously climbed through the others, careful not to step on anyone as he took his seat.

Mingyu looked at him deeply, the tall boy sighing before beginning to speak, but once he started, his voice was clear and deep, Wonwoo found himself clinging to every word.

“So your parents fucking hate you too?” Mingyu asked, placing a thin string in between the pages of his book and setting it down beside him. Wonwoo shifted uncomfortably in his seat before Mingyu decided to continue. “Don’t worry, everyone’s parents hate them here, Jeonghan wouldn’t have invited you to meet us if he didn’t think yours hated you too...and Jeonghan is never wrong.”

Wonwoo thought for a moment, considering his words carefully.

“It’s not so much that they hate me I suppose, it’s more just a lack of care about me. They didn’t ship me off on my own without so much as a tour of the campus, but they did leave me here within a minute of arriving because my mother didn’t like the smell of smoke…... Take that as you will.” Wonwoo peered into Mingyu’s eyes every now and then, the taller of the two not looking away once. His gaze steady and heart beating, Mingyu leaned closer, examining every line on Wonwoo’s face.

“It’s not the worst of circumstances.” Mingyu said, finally looking away, picking his book back up from it’s resting spot. Wonwoo could almost feel his heart drop, sure this was a sign of him being rejected from the large group of friends. That is, until Mingyu side eyed him once more, flipping through to find his page.

“But it certainly isn’t the best.”

Wonwoo grinned, watching the dark skinned boy fasten his eyes on the words in front of him. Wonwoo closed his eyes a little, basking in the sweet sun and, for the first time in a long time, he sat back a bit, and allowed himself to feel relaxed.


	2. Dining Halls and Pain Filled Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan finds out a secret about Wonwoo, one he shares with many others in the group. If only it wasn't so painful.
> 
> TW---eating disorder

Eating had always been a stressful thing for Wonwoo, especially in public places. All the unhealthy food, dripping with grease, his mother’s harsh gaze every time he went to pick up whatever fatty meat was being served in a bun that day, his father’s ‘harmless’ comments about how all the extra carbs would make him slow, and sluggish on the field, despite his therapists suggestion not to bring up such things while Wonwoo was eating. His parents never cared, all they cared about was Wonwoo being the star athlete they always dreamed of, however he got there, it never really mattered to them.

Eventually Wonwoo couldn’t take it anymore and stopped going out to eat with them, feigning a stomachache, or something along those lines. After a while, he just stopped eating all together. Still, the damage had been done, even without his parents help, he found himself repeating his father’s words every time he picked up a fork, his mother’s glare appearing whenever he looked in the mirror.

Wonwoo had learned how to avoid food over time, always using the right excuse with his friends, ignoring the heavy brows of teachers every time they saw the space in front of him empty during lunch. He never imagined how much harder maneuvering his way around eating would be at Mission Heights.

He planned to stay in his room for dinner, assuming that’s what most ‘newbies’ would be doing that night, seemingly yearning for their mother’s cooking. But surprise bitch, life had other plans.

 

“It’s time for dinner, do you know where the dining hall is?” Jeonghan asked, leaning against the doorframe, tapping his foot impatiently. Wonwoo looked up from his laptop, where he was completing the last of his summer work before school began the next week.

“I was thinking I would just stay here for tonight, homesickness and all…” Wonwoo explained, a little too calmly for the previously jittery, and timid boy. Jeonghan stared at him a bit before grinning slightly.

“You should try the pizza then,” Jeonghan said, taking the liberty of sitting on Wonwoo’s bed, “that would put anyone in a good mood, the chefs hand make it themselves and…” Wonwoo drowned out the rest of Jeonghan’s words, racking his brain for a new excuse.

“My stomach hurts.” Wonwoo stated, cutting off his elder rudely. Jeonghan’s eyes narrowed, clearly offended.

“I thought you were homesick.” Jeonghan’s expression remained unchanged.

“Yeah,” Wonwoo began uneasily, “my stomach hurts from the homesickness…” Jeonghan tilted his head a little.

“You’re probably just hungry, c’mon let’s go, I’m starving and there’s probably a long line.” Jeonghan shut Wonwoo down, pulling at his hands, uncharacteristically happy at the prospect of food.

Wonwoo wanted to refuse, wanted to yank his hands from the elder’s tight grip and slam the door in his face; but he had just met Jeonghan, and after he was so nice to the new boy, he just couldn’t do anything mean to him. Besides, Wonwoo couldn’t make a scene on his very first day.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The dining hall was packed, contrary to Wonwoo’s thoughts, nearly every student enrolled at Mission Heights was there, chowing down on the greasy pizza Jeonghan predicted they would serve.

Automatically, almost like a reflex, Wonwoo began tallying up the calories. Since they were at boarding school the chefs most likely used healthier ingredients, even with that in mind Wonwoo concluded there were around 400 calories in just one slice. He looked down at his calves, muscle hardened from hours of running around the track a bit away from his house. If he wanted that muscle to stay, he couldn’t afford to have something so fattening.

While Jeonghan carefully picked out his food, seemingly just by taste judging by the amount of calories he was heaping onto his tray, Wonwoo stared at his thin physique. 

How people could do things like that and still be so slim was always a mystery to him.

Deciding against almost everything offered by the school, Wonwoo quickly snatched an apple from the fruit basket near the cashier, if only so he wouldn’t go back empty handed. 

Jeonghan eyed the fruit suspiciously, Wonwoo hoping he would simply keep his mouth shut. Luck was not on his side that day.

“That’s really all you’re going to have?” Jeonghan asked, the same venom lacing his words as Wonwoo’s mothers. Wonwoo shuddered a bit but stood his ground.

“Not very hungry.” He said, quelling all suspicion, or so he thought.

“Nope, I refuse to let you have such a pathetic meal on your first day.” Jeonghan said, slapping one of his many slices of pizza onto Wonwoo’s mostly empty tray. Wonwoo sighed internally as the two boys walked to the table where their friends sat.

The boys were greeted happily, conversation starting easily, Wonwoo unable to focus on any of them, staring at the food in front of him.

After around five minutes he felt a sharp jab to his ribs, where Jeonghan had elbowed him. Wonwoo looked to him, annoyed to the ends of earth for multiple reasons. Jeonghan pointed to his tray.

“Why aren’t you eating?” He mouthed, at least considerate enough to keep the issue to themselves. Wonwoo offered no explanation but a shrug, knowing full well nothing he could say would work.

Reluctantly, and with piercing eyes glued to him, he raised the slice to his lips, immediately recoiling, his taste buds exploding with disgusting flavor.

The food felt like cardboard as he slowly chewed and forced himself to swallow.

Jeonghan still didn’t seem to be satisfied though, his stare not relenting, and it didn’t, not until Wonwoo managed to get down five more bites, tears fighting for control behind his eyelids. He looked around, no one would notice if he excused himself, right?

Slowly, as to avoid raising any further suspicion, Wonwoo rose from his seat, walking across the hall, cringing at the eyes that bore harshly into him. He didn’t even notice as Jeonghan’s eyes followed him, his legs taking the same route only moments later.

The only thing Wonwoo was concerned with at the moment was getting those dangerous calories OUT of his body, stopping them from ruining all the hard work he put into it. Rushing past doors until they became a blur, he bolted to his rooms bathroom, barely opening the toilet before his stomach emptied itself, retching in on him forcefully, and painfully. 

Wonwoo couldn’t hold onto his sobs anymore as he clung to the toilet bowl. His cries were too loud for him to hear the hurried feet walking into the bathroom. He could, however, feel the strong arms around his middle, and the light fingers brushing the hair from his sweating forehead. His stomach was sore and his head pounding, but he accepted the warmth they brought.

Without thinking, Wonwoo wiped at his mouth harshly and let himself fall into the figures arms, sobbing shamelessly. A hand began stroking his hair comfortingly, running nimble fingers through the thick locks. Wonwoo flung his arms around the figures shoulders, clinging on for dear life.

Eventually the weary boy felt himself able to look up, surprised to see the previously cold Jeonghan was the one holding him. This only sent him further down the spiral, guilt consuming the small boy.

“It’s ok,” Jeonghan whispered, his voice soft, and bright, “don’t worry about it.” Wonwoo shook his head ferociously, trying his hardest to break free from Jeonghan’s grasp despite desperately wanting to stay. He thrashed around fruitlessly, his body to weak to actually do anything more strenuous then breath.

“Don’t tell anyone.” Wonwoo finally managed to whisper, still panting, once he had calmed a bit. He felt Jeonghan tense around him and knew that no matter what promises passed between them, the other eleven boys would be aware of his situation by morning.

“It’s pretty common with boys like us, all the stress and stuff. Minghao’s like you, Joshua too. Joshua’s been getting better lately, though, he might be able to help.” When Wonwoo didn’t respond Jeonghan continued, “Don’t worry, no one here judges you for that stuff, we’re all fucked up in our own special way. Vernon and Seungkwan can barely get through two days without lighting up, Joshua can hardly utter a curse word without being paranoid his parents are gonna come straight to the school to beat the living daylights out of him, Jun punches himself until his skin bruises, Minghao probably hasn't eaten more than a hundred calories and a fuckton of water in the past month, Seungcheol can't deal with not being in control, Seokmin cries himself to sleep most nights, Mingyu has tried to jump off the ceiling of the school at least three times, and swallowed all his anti depressants twice, Woozi blares his music so loud in his headphones that he actually has doctors concerned about him, not to mention he's a total bitch half the time, Soonyoung lets people walk all over him, Chan has put someone in the hospital because he got angry, and I smoke about a pack a day.”

 

"We are all totally, completely fucked, and half of us will be dead within ten years...you're not alone."

Wonwoo nodded slowly at first, then faster, letting it sink in. It almost made him smile, how wonderfully miserable they all were... Almost.

“Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll be back later, okay?” Jeonghan said, gently guiding Wonwoo to his still unmade bed, fully aware he wouldn’t be getting any sleep. Still, Wonwoo nodded, collapsing on the mattress, his back facing his elder.

Jeonghan sighed, hesitating before he left, closing the door in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooo look at dat update bish, thanks so much for supporting this book guys, I don't even care who you are if you're reading this book right now thank you so much


	3. Just Hold Me For A While

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo goes to the roof and meets Mingyu. It's almost comical how much they both do and don't understand each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say there's a major trigger warning and like a lot of stuff that could probably send you spiraling if you're kinda unstable right now, but it could also really help you, it really depends on what you're comfortable with and if you think this might trigger you then do what's right for your health...Stay safe <3
> 
>  
> 
> Also I swear, last update of the night, I'm just trying to get this fic started and then updates will be more spaced out.

Wonwoo woke in the middle of the night to Jeonghan’s loud snoring, the sound drilling aggressively into his head, which was already throbbing, likely from dehydration. After ten minutes of tossing and turning, it was obvious he wouldn’t be going back to sleep anytime soon. He grabbed his phone, seeing a flashing 1:23 on the cracked screen. Sighing, Wonwoo stood up, staring at the peaceful Jeonghan while he waited for the dizziness he got upon standing to subside.

Pulling on a sweatshirt over his constantly shivering frame, Wonwoo made his way through the twisting hallways and up the stairs, gasping for air all the way to the roof. He was surprised when the sticky night air hit his face, turning him into molasses. He had expected it to be crisp and chilly, not like a foggy jungle.

Wonwoo scanned the area, startled when his eyes met a figure slumped near the edge of the roof, their back against the ridge that was preventing them from falling to their inevitable death. After squinting, he concluded that the slumped figure was in fact Kim Mingyu. 

A bit apprehensive after what Jeonghan had told him earlier about Mingyu trying to jump from this spot multiple times, Wonwoo made his way over to his new friend cautiously. Honestly, he hadn’t even expected the roof to be open, especially not after an attempted suicide, unless, no one told the school about it, which made the most sense. What would be the point of telling anyone? It’s not like they could do anything about it, closing the roof would just make people creative.

Mingyu opened his eyes as Wonwoo lowered himself to the dirty floor, glancing nervously at Mingyu the entire time, trying his best to avoid eye contact.

“I take it Jeonghan told you about what I tried to do.” Mingyu said, leaving Wonwoo unsure whether to answer. Silence. “He told us about you too.” Wonwoo wasn’t shocked nor surprised, he anticipated this. More silence. “I didn’t know if I should have expected it or not, you’re so skinny, enough that one look made me worried, but I wasn’t sure if it would have prevented your parents from making the comments or only worsened the effects.” Wonwoo noted what he had said about the comments, wondering if his parents said similar things to the tall boy. “I’m sure you were skinny before you started too, you look like the type to keep weight off easily. But that could just be the years of starving yourself.” That hit Wonwoo deep in his chest, and he wasn’t really positive why. “You’ll kill yourself if you keep doing this, you know that right?” Wonwoo had to scoff.

“That’s really rich coming from you.” Wonwoo said, rolling his eyes at the suicidal boy. Mingyu looked at him and Wonwoo was impressed by the immense sadness that resided in his eyes.

“Well I’m assuming the point of this whole thing you’re doing isn’t to die, right? I mean I could be wrong but…” Mingyu looked up, resting the crown of his head on the stained railing behind him, “Sometimes I wonder if people like you and Minghao really understand what you’re doing to yourself. I get Joshua, he does it to punish himself, he doesn’t want to be skinnier, he just wants to feel the pain in his stomach…...he wants to die.” This shocked Wonwoo, the young boy seemed too innocent for such despair. 

“I…” Wonwoo began, but he genuinely didn’t know how to continue, allowing Mingyu to take over once again.

“But you and Minghao, you really think there’s something so wrong with you that you have to starve yourself. Food is one of the most important things in life, it’s something you just can’t live without. Even I don’t keep food from myself, and I’m just about as fucked up as they get.” Mingyu looked Wonwoo in the eye, but there was something different there this time, it wasn’t just sadness, there was a sense of pleading to his soft expression.

“How much pain do you need to be in to take something like that from yourself?” 

Wonwoo didn’t reply, he didn’t have anything to say, he’d rather let the other talk, what he said made sense. Besides, he liked hearing the dark-skinned boys voice, it was soothing

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu looked at his hands, wringing his fingers together, “I just don’t like seeing beautiful people hate themselves.” Wonwoo took his friends hand, worried he would break a finger from the harsh twisting.

“I don’t understand how you could want to die.” Wonwoo said, turning Mingyu’s own game in on himself. “I get how there’s pain, there’s always pain in your life, whether you create it yourself or not. But how could you want it to be over before it gets better?” Wonwoo felt the grip on his hand grow tighter.

“Throughout my whole life, even when I was hurting so bad, and hated myself more than I’ve ever hated anything in the entire world, I always at least had hope.” Mingyu scooted closer to the boy, and Wonwoo let him.

“I’m sorry.” Mingyu repeated.

“I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over this…..thing,” Wonwoo paused, composing himself,“I know I’ll never be able to look in the mirror without sighing, or put my hands on my sides without subconsciously pinching the skin, but I might be able to fight it a bit, I might be able to resist enough to allow someone to help me, to get me out of death’s door, to take my foot out of the grave I’ve already dug myself, I can see myself in ten years with a child, and I don't want to have them think this way I do, and they won't if I can just get it together a little bit! I can imagine a time when I might be happy enough to eat a full meal in front of anyone, a time when someone can compliment my outfit and I won’t instantly wonder if they think I look fat in it, or if they notice the way it hangs limply around my shoulders, or billows out around my stomach! No matter what I’m going through right now I can always hope! THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE!” Wonwoo didn’t realize the tears streaming down his gaunt cheeks were there until a hand brushed them away.

“There’s always hope as long as you can imagine a future that includes yourself.” Mingyu said, his voice watery, a wavering smile playing on his lips. Wonwoo furrowed his brow, understanding the implications that came with that sentence.

“That’s not true,” Wonwoo started, trying his best to swallow his sobs, hiccuping violently along the way, “there’s hope as long as there’s someone who can imagine a future that includes you in it, and you have plenty of people willing to give the world to continue this life with you, even if you don’t know it.” 

Mingyu didn’t know how to respond, the thought had never come across his mind, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. How was he supposed to feel about that? Some kid came around and in one day he told Mingyu something nearly eight years of therapists couldn’t... What an incredible human being.

It was obvious that neither one of the boys wishesd to continue their conversation, so Mingyu simply leaned close to his friend, intertwining their hands together.

“Just hold me for a while, yeah?” Mingyu asked, scooching all the way over the Wonwoo, resting his head on the smaller’s shoulder.

Wonwoo nodded silently, wrapping his feeble arms around the empty boy. Neither of them slept for a long time after that, but when they did, Mingyu’s head was on the elder’s lap, and Wonwoo’s hand was tangled in the taller’s dark hair. And neither of them minded it.


	4. He Said Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua is panicked, Jeonghan is mad, Wonwoo's a bit confused, and Mingyu is judgy

Wonwoo woke up early the next morning to a panicked Joshua pacing back and forth in front of him. Rustling Mingyu a bit to wake him up, Wonwoo slipped from his grasp, laying the boys head on the ground softly, rushing to Joshua the second the younger boy was okay.

“Joshua, what’s the matter?” Wonwoo asked the close to hyperventilating boy, clinging to his shoulders a little too tightly. Joshua just shook his head a little, most likely clearing his thoughts, like a human etch a sketch.

“Jeonghan has been looking for you two and he’s all riled up which means Seungcheol is all riled up and sometimes when Seungcheol’s all riled up he gets violent and I don’t want him to hurt me!” A gasp escaped from the small boy’s lips as he tried to fix his mind.

Recalling what Jeonghan had told Wonwoo about Joshua, he released the tight grip on his shoulders and pulled the shaking boy close to his chest. Wonwoo knew full well that no one in the group would ever let Seungcheol hurt Joshua, especially not after what he had been through, but in Joshua’s mind, everyone was a threat, and everything was a possible trigger.

He understood, he felt the same way with fruits and veggies.

“It’s okay Joshua, I won’t let them hurt you, and anyways, they’d be more mad at me then you.” Wonwoo said, stroking his short black hair.

Wonwoo felt an arm on his shoulder and looked up to see Mingyu towering above him, he hadn’t realized just how tall the other boy was. Wonwoo shifted to the side, allowing the boy to take control of the situation, knowing he was better friends with Joshua.

The dark-skinned boy pulled Joshua to the side carefully, making sure he didn’t stumble. Tossing Wonwoo his phone and mouthing out a ‘call Jeonghan’, Mingyu began talking to the younger, telling him to take steady breaths, and that he wasn’t in any danger.

Meanwhile, Wonwoo was practically having a panic attack himself at the thought of having to deal with an angry Jeonghan.

The phone barely rang once before a hurried “Where the fuck are you!”Was screamed into his ear.

“Jeonghan?” Wonwoo asked, clearly knowing the answer.

“Wonwoo! Where the fuck are you and why do you have Mingyu’s phone???” Jeonghan yelled, clearly a bit worried. 

“We’re on the roof with Joshua, don’t worry, me and Mingyu were talking last night and fell asleep, but…” Wonwoo’s eyes stumbled onto Joshua, who’s condition seemed to be getting much worse by the minute, “You might wanna come up here, Joshua doesn’t look like he’s doing too well.” 

Jeonghan sighed and Wonwoo could imagine him pulling a cigarette from it’s crisp white package, “I’ll be up there in a sec, just make sure he’s okay.” Jeonghan asked, all aggression gone from his voice.

Wonwoo nodded before realizing that Jeonghan couldn’t see him, not that it mattered, the elder had already hung up the phone.

Wonwoo turned back to the two, watching as Joshua placed his head in his hands, gasping for air like a fish out of water. The other two boys looked at each other, concerned their younger would pass out.

Wonwoo passed Mingyu his phone back right when Jeonghan burst through the doors, practically in a frenzy. He strutted over to Joshua immediately, less than concerned with the other two and what they were doing there.

Jeonghan put a gentle hand on Joshua’s forehead, lifting up his head to expose the tear streaked face. The smaller appeared to calm a little upon seeing Jeonghan’s soothing expression. Jeonghan slid them down against the wall so Joshua was sitting on his lap, still sobbing his innocent heart out.

“He won’t hurt you, not while I’m around.” Jeonghan whispered into Joshua’s hair, tightening his grip around his friends torso.

‘Go to breakfast, I’ve got this.’ Jeonghan half whispered, half mouthed at the other two, who were watching the whole situation unfold. Mingyu nodded and took hold of Wonwoo’s upper arm, pulling him away from the scene.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Wonwoo stood outside the dining hall with Mingyu, his hands busily working their way through his hair. Mingyu noticed this and pulled his hands away, as to not have the older pull a chunk of his own hair out.

“You know, I’m not very hungry actually.” Wonwoo said, facing Mingyu with a forced smile on his face. Mingyu just rolled his eyes and tugged Wonwoo’s wrist until he followed him into the dining hall.

Wonwoo noticed that the crowd was much less substantial at breakfast, something that put him a bit more at ease.

The two went through the line, Mingyu grabbing anything that interested him while Wonwoo took another apple from the fruit basket. He was glad to not receive any scrutinizing looks for his choice of food, but Mingyu’s words from the night before still ran through his head.

The two made their way to the same table where nine boys were seated together, the conversation lacking a bit due to sleepiness. Wonwoo noticed a few glances toward him but no one seemed overly uncomfortable.

Wonwoo took notice of Minghao’s single water bottle, already half drinken, sitting in front of him as he joked around with Jun, who had a bruise peeking out from his collar. Wonwoo couldn’t decide if it was made by Minghao, or Jun himself but then he realized that he truly didn’t care. The two seemed happy together, Wonwoo was glad. Glad that such miserable people could manage to find happiness within each other.

 

Mingyu was already chomping down on the food in front of him when Jeonghan entered the dining hall, followed by a calmer, but still somewhat distraught Joshua. 

Jeonghan took two trays from the pile, filling one with everything offered and the other with a small amount of scrambled eggs and water, never once taking his arm away from where it was slung around Joshua’s shoulders.

The two sat at the far end of the table, talking quietly to each other, Jeonghan likely coaxing the fluffy eggs into the exhausted boy. 

 

Wonwoo looked around the table, noting that everyone but Minghao appeared to be nearly finished with their food, some even taking their trays away to be cleaned.

Wonwoo took a small bite of the apple he had in front of him and placed the rest on Mingyu’s tray, which was just about empty after him shoveling down everything. Mingyu looked at him, clearly not approving of what the shorter boy was doing, but saying nothing as he threw the apple out along with the scraps on his tray.

He said nothing as he made his way back to his seat. He said nothing as he sat, rather close to the anxious boy. He said nothing as his hand slipped itself into Wonwoo’s, fitting comfortably together. He said nothing as it stayed there. He didn’t need to say anything, Wonwoo understood it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is actually SO bad and short but it's more of a filler chapter, I swear the other's will be better and hopefully a little longer.


	5. That's Kind of the Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo tries out for the lacrosse team, where Jun's the captain.

Wonwoo never really wanted to play lacrosse, it was always something his parents had insisted he, and soon after his younger brother, excel in. He never liked the rough conditions he was forced to play in. He never liked the bruises that riddled his body the day after a tough match. He never liked the hours upon hours of running his father made him go through, claiming the extra miles would look good to colleges.

It never really mattered if he liked it or not though. Just because he wasn’t living with his parents anymore didn’t mean he had the option to stop. Needless to say, that didn’t mean he didn’t care about it.

No one wants to be rejected from anything. So the morning of tryouts Wonwoo sludged out of bed and to the common room, where there was a small refrigerator, a microwave, and a TV opposite the three couches that took up half the room. He pulled a small protein bar out of the refrigerator, if he ate half it would be 225 calories, enough to get him through the day.

While he was unpeeling the calorie loaded food, Mingyu walked in, sitting next to him on the couch. Wonwoo could tell he was pleased the shorter boy was getting some nutrients, even if they would all be burned off by the afternoon.

The two sat in silence for a minute before Wonwoo spoke up. 

“Lacrosse tryouts are today.” He said casually, as if a thousand worries weren’t coursing through his head. Mingyu simply nodded.

“I didn’t know you played lacrosse.” The younger stated, not a question, but curiosity laced his lips. 

“Yeah, not my choice, but it’s something to do, makes sure I don’t get lazy.” Wonwoo said, fiddling with the taller boys fingers. He tore off a small bit of the protein bar and popped in his mouth, chewing slower than he thought possible.

“I don’t think it’s possible you could get lazy,” Mingyu said, staring at his fingers, which were being folded around into rather uncomfortable positions, “You do like 200 sit ups every night.”

“275.” Wonwoo whispered, quiet enough that if they were any further apart, Mingyu wouldn’t have caught onto the words. Another piece of food entered Wonwoo’s mouth in the silence.

“Jun plays lacrosse too.” Mingyu mentioned, staring straight ahead, barely noticing Wonwoo’s head snap towards him.

“Really?” The older questioned, genuinely curious. Mingyu nodded.

“Yeah, last year he was the first Sophomore to ever become captain, I heard he’s really good, but then again, I don’t really do sports.” Mingyu chuckled a little, subconsciously pulling at his sleeves.

Wonwoo smiled a sad, slightly tired smile and leaned his head against Mingyu’s chest in the most platonic way he could manage. A final bite of the protein bar was pushed through Wonwoo’s unwilling lips as he stood to throw the other half out.

Mingyu stared at him, he wanted to be upset, but mostly was glad the other boy was eating something. Instead of sitting back next to Mingyu on the couch, Wonwoo laid on the floor by Mingyu’s feet, his knees scrunched up.

Mingyu watched as the small boy brought himself up to his knees, hands resting by his ears, over and over again, only stopping when the numbers were well within the hundreds.

Wonwoo slumped to the floor, his chest rising up and down dramatically. Mingyu watched him, concern buried within his eyes as the boy continued, doing a good two hundred more before a fit of hacking coughs halted his progress.

Wonwoo sat up abruptly, his chest heaving with each cough racking his body. Mingyu lowered himself to his knees, putting a hand on the shaking boys back, unsure of how to help.

Once the coughing stopped, Mingyu helped Wonwoo back on the couch, watching the boy shrug in on himself, slouching his body against the cushions. 

“You know one bar isn’t going to do anything to your weight, right?” Mingyu asked, not sure of the answer he would receive.

“You don’t know that.” Wonwoo said, his voice raspy. Mingyu shook his head, it was obvious he wouldn’t get anywhere with Wonwoo on the subject that day and the younger didn’t feel like exerting the effort for nothing.

Wonwoo ran his hand up Mingyu’s arm, feeling the raised skin right along a vein.

“That probably won’t ever go away, you know that right?” Wonwoo aksed, feeling around the damaged skin. Mingyu slipped his arm away from Wonwoo grasp, instead taking his hand.

“That’s kind of the point.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The lacrosse field was less full than Wonwoo thought it would be when he got there, five minutes early, which to his father would have equaled late. Around 24 players were already warming up, taking shots and doing warm up laps around the field. Enough for two teams, including him five players would be cut.

Jun was there, just like Mingyu said he would be, checking the tape on his stick. Wonwoo considered going up to him, but while he was debating it Jun beat him to the chase, jogging over athletically.

“You’re trying out for the team?” Jun asked, looking Wonwoo up and down skeptically. Wonwoo crossed his arms over his middle without thinking, making Jun’s eyes soften a bit. “I’m sure you’ll be great, c’mon, we were just about to start."

Wonwoo smiled politely as Jun jogged back to his bag.

 

The group started out running a mile around the track, easy as pie for Wonwoo, who would run at least five a day back at home. Jun looked at Wonwoo in surprise when he was left in good shape after the jog. His chest was barely moving, his legs still appeared sturdy while he was standing, an unusual feat for anyone on a first practice.

“What do you play?” Jun asked Wonwoo, who hadn’t yet picked up his stick.

“Defense.” Jun nodded, glad he wouldn’t have Wonwoo competing for his position, out of all the boys on the field, he was the one that would make him the most nervous. Not that he couldn't take him if he needed to, he would just rather leave his fragile friend in one piece, emotionally, and if need be, physically.

 

Wonwoo noticed how Jun never shied away from the defense, opting to run straight into, and through, them instead of maneuvering his way around them, like most boys with his body type would. No, he crashed into them aggressively, leaving the other players murmuring hushed ‘oooooo’s’ at the impact. Wonwoo wondered how Jun managed to do it with such a blank face, no grimace like most sane people would have after such a painful thing. This led him to the conclusion that Jun must not be completely sane, something that didn’t surprise him as much as he thought it would. 

After running through drills for another two hours, Jun stopped everyone, bringing them in to a team huddle. He explained how they would be contacted within a few days on whether or not they made the team, but Wonwoo couldn’t quite focus, fighting off the blackness edging around his eyelids.

He was brought out of his trance when everyone began walking away, leaving him staring distantly.

“You did a good job today.” Jun complimented Wonwoo, who was pouring water down his throat like it was air. 

“Thanks, you too, obviously.” Wonwoo chuckled a bit awkwardly, noticing the large bruise poking out from Jun’s shorts, much too large for any drill they had gone through that day.

“I’m sure you’ll make the team, probably varsity actually!” Jun exclaimed, ignoring the stare, used to it after years of invasive teachers wondering about his home life. Wonwoo snapped his attention back up to Jun’s eyes and grinned.

“Yeah, I sure hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really any notes for this chapter except that I hope you liked it and don't mind my VERY inconsistent......everything. Again, if you have any suggestions or edits, or ideas, or literally anything please tell me, like I really want to know. Thank you so much for reading! BYE!


	6. I'm Going for a Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu needs to go for a run, Wonwoo needs to go with him

Mingyu was sitting on Jeonghan’s bed when Wonwoo got back from tryouts, sweating like a pig in the sticky summer air. The taller hardly bothered to look up, tightly lacing up his black Nike sneakers. Wonwoo was too tired to care, though, he felt as though he could pass out any second, and just needed to take off the sweaty clothes.

Peeling off his soaked shirt, Wonwoo ignored the shock of the boy behind him, who now had a full sight of his spine, and probably a few ribs too. He was used to the horrified gasps even when he had clothes on.

Once Wonwoo had managed to pull another, lighter, shirt on, he sat on his bed, staring blankly at the boy in front of him, not caring enough to ask why he was there. That didn’t seem to matter though because the second his head touched the soft pillow he placed underneath himself, he was being yanked up by his hands.

Mingyu held Wonwoo by the shoulders for a few minutes to ensure he wouldn’t collapse and then reached into the pocket of his shorts, pulling out a small plastic bag, eyes wide and eyebrows high.

“Come with me?” Mingyu asked, his eyes pleading, and voice husky, it seemed like he had been crying. He shook the bag around as bait and Wonwoo pretended that was what had enticed him to go along, not the obvious tear stains on the handsome boys cheeks.

Wonwoo interlocked their hands together, allowing Mingyu to lead him to wherever he wanted to go. He didn’t expect to end up at the track.

Mingyu led him all the way to the center of the seemingly abandon field, where there was a grassy area, nets and workout equipment scattered around the edges. Wonwoo pulled out one of the white sticks in the plastic bag, holding it up questioningly.

“Vernon.” Mingyu answered shortly, offering a lighter. Wonwoo took it gratefully, flipping it until a flame appeared and he could lift it to his lips.

Wonwoo held the joint out to Mingyu but he waved it away, shaking his head slightly. Wonwoo took a few more hits before asking what had been tingling on his mind.

“What are we doing here Mingyu?” He asked, watching as the boy stretched out his frame, hopping up onto his toes. He bounced up and down a few times.

“I’m going on a run.” The tall boy told Wonwoo, who was still sitting, his free hand digging into the turf. Wonwoo tilted his head, remembering what Mingyu had told him earlier that day about not doing sports.

“Why?” He asked, taking another hit, leaning back further when a wave of dizziness attacked him.

Mingyu took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, like helium escaping a balloon. Wonwoo was sure he had forgotten about the question when he finally answered.

“It’s what I do instead of jumping off a roof, or swallowing all my pills, or using a kitchen knife to open a few veins, or even taking that lighter and burning a layer of skin off my entire arm.” Mingyu answered, calmly. Way too calmly for the words exiting his mouth. He sighed again, shaking his head, a small smile playing at his lips, yet tears were pricking at his eyes.

 

“Then go run.” Wonwoo told him, removing his hand from the turf and laying down so he could look at the cloudless sky with the least amount of strain possible.

Joint still in hand, he heard the crunch of Mingyu’s feet leaving the turf, and then the slap of them entering the track. 

The steps were swift and consistent, he never stumbled, or hurried himself. He never slowed or seemed to get tired. Wonwoo realized quickly that this was something Mingyu did quite often.

It was a whole hour and a full joint later that the steps finally began to slow slightly. Wonwoo looked at the track to see Mingyu panting, his hands on his knees. Somehow he seemed more dejected than when he had begun.

Wonwoo put out the stub of a joint on the sole of his shoe and slowly pulled himself up, stabilizing his body before walking forward.

His feet didn’t make any noise when they stepped onto the track, making their way toward the other boy.

Wonwoo took his hand, hooking it under Mingyu’s chin so they were looking into each other’s eyes. Mingyu gave his best attempt at a smile, trying to ease his friend’s worry.

Wonwoo shuffled closer until they were breathing each other’s air, but it was Mingyu who lurched forward, pushing their lips into each other’s.

Wonwoo noted how soft the taller’s lips were, he wasn’t surprised. He was a bit shocked, though, to find that Mingyu’s breathe smelt so strongly of cinnamon, and not the minty flavor he had expected.....Not that he was expecting this.

Mingyu’s hands made their way to Wonwoo’s hair and Wonwoo’s hands found themselves locked around the younger’s waist. Wonwoo felt the boy smile against his lips, teeth exposed. It sent shivers underneath his skin.

They pulled away, never once looking away from the other, practically giddy with joy. That is, until a single voice, shaky yet familiar, ran out through the field, piercing both their hearts.

“MINGYU!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far the shortest chapter I've written but I thought it was kinda cute so I decided to leave it as is. Also, be prepared for next chapter :S


	7. Tear Stained Tracks and Cigarette Packs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol fucked up....again...and this time, he can't fix it.

Mingyu and Wonwoo snapped their heads around quickly, searching for the person capable of such a heartrending scream. Their eyes seemed to rest at the same time on a figure across the field. They walked a few steps forward, struggling to distinguish who they were looking at. Mingyu sucked in a breath, covering his mouth with a hand.

“Jeonghan?” Wonwoo wondered out loud, leaning forward.

He looked awful, tears were streaming down his face, his body racking with horrible sobs, his hands were curled in and it looked like he had been pulling at his hair, which was tangled and flying every which way.

Despite the exhaustion overtaking his body, Mingyu ran to him, taking the trembling boy in his arms right as he fell to his knees. Wonwoo followed close behind, watching Jeonghan put a shaking hand in his pocket, pulling out a fresh cigarette, which Mingyu lit instantly.

Jeonghan slid off his knees and sat on his ass, crinkling his nose on the impact. Mingyu sat with him, placing a calm hand on his friends shoulder. Wonwoo lowered himself to the other side of Jeonghan, beginning to work through the mess of knots on his head.

Jeonghan took a hesitant puff off the stick in his hand, breathing out peacefully, his sobs lessening, but the tears running down his face unrelenting. He leaned all the way into Mingyu, careful not to light his shirt on fire.

Wonwoo shot Mingyu a look, unsure of how to proceed, Jeonghan appeared to be calming a bit, but he still seemed completely distraught, and neither had any clue why. Mingyu nodded once, confirming that he would be the one to ask. It would be better that way, they were closer than Wonwoo was with Jeonghan.

“Hannie?” Mingyu asked, running a hand across Jeonghan’s face, wiping away the tears. He looked up and it took all of Mingyu’s willpower to keep going once he saw the pain in those eyes. “What happened?” 

That was what sent Jeonghan totally off the deep end. He screamed, deep and guttural. Completely animal, the other two boys could hardly recognize him, the mangled remains of their friend.

The two boys enveloped him, wrapping their bodies around him, muffling his cries.

“I love him.” Jeonghan whispered, clinging to the fabric of Mingyu’s shirt, damp with sweat and tears. Immediately the boys knew what was wrong. Something had happened with Seungcheol.

“What happened? Did he hurt you?” Mingyu asked, his voice softening at the last part, just in case. Wonwoo listened intently, ready to fight if need be. Thankfully, Jeonghan shook his head, the hair Wonwoo had combed back flying everywhere once again.

“No! He would never do something like that! He loves me too much!” Jeonghan cried, “Or…..at least I thought he did.” Mingyu held his elder tighter.

“Did you break up?” Wonwoo asked, and soon after wished he hadn’t, seeing the look on Jeonghan’s face coil painfully, contorting into something akin to him eating a lemon.

“I don’t know.” Jeonghan admitted, taking another drag from his cigarette. “I think this might be worse,” His voice broke towards the end, “I don’t know if we can come back from this!” Wonwoo had to wonder what could be so bad that even Jeonghan couldn’t forgive. Despite his tough exterior, and cold looks, in his heart, Jeonghan so desperately craved love, he would do anything, forgive anything, just to keep it. This had to be BAD.

“That stupid bitch, you know Jisoo? Not Joshua, the girl.” Jeonghan sputtered out frantically. His words might have sounded harsh if it wasn’t for the trembling.

“Did he cheat on you again?” Mingyu asked. The ‘again’ shocked Wonwoo, it seemed so unlike the Seungcheol he knew. Jeonghan shook his head, but then thought better of it and nodded.

“He got her pregnant.” Jeonghan choked out. He laughed, bitter, and short, before the tears started up again. His head catapulted into his hands, where it stayed for a while. Mingyu sighed and it scared Wonwoo how normal this appeared to be for him.

“She’s keeping it.” Jeonghan said, finally looking up from his palms. Mingyu shook his head, tutting while he buried Jeonghan’s face back into his chest.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was hours later when another figure walked the same path as Jeonghan had. Mingyu instinctively stood up, letting Wonwoo comfort their friend while he confronted the short boy walking towards them. Jeonghan looked up, hope sparked in his eyes, as if he was hoping it would all be a lie, there was no baby, no Jisoo, no cheating, no problem.

“Seungcheol.” Jeonghan said, it felt like he was trying to keep his voice stable, yet his emotions betrayed him once again.

“What are you doing here Seungcheol?” Mingyu asked, aggressively towering over the boy, “Haven’t you done enough damage?!” He pointed back at Jeonghan, who was cowering in Wonwoo’s arms.

“I’m just here to apologize,” Seungcheol said, trying to slide around Mingyu.

“Hey!” The taller exclaimed, shoving Seungcheol back. Wonwoo wondered if he should get involved while he watched Seungcheol’s eyes narrow. He drew his arm back quickly, aiming a punch toward Mingyu which landed right at his eye, it would surely leave a bruise, but no one was concerned about that in the moment.

Wonwoo jumped up, leaving Jeonghan crumpled on the ground.

“STOP IT!” He shouted, pushing the two apart before any further damage could be done. Mingyu glared at Seungcheol, who was looking at Jeonghan helplessly.

 

“I swear I didn’t mean for it to happen Hannie! It was an accident! I can convince her to get rid of it!” Seungcheol screamed from his spot, where he was being held in place by both boys.

Jeonghan shivered as he was once again reminded that his whole situation was real, it was really happening. The boy he loved, so wholly and with all his heart, had not only cheated on him with the school slut and lied about it, but had also gotten her pregnant. He was going to be a father.

Jeonghan stood slowly, his body stiff from staying in one position for so long. He walked to Seungcheol, staring not into his eyes, but at them. Cold. It was the Jeonghan Wonwoo had first seen when he walked into his room the first day.

“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan said, close enough that one step would connect them, close enough that he could taste the peppermint toothpaste on Seungcheol’s teeth. Close enough that Seungcheol was devastated when a sting came to his cheek, Jeonghan’s hand leaving a mark, “Go to Hell.”

Mingyu released his grip on Seungcheol’s arm as Jeonghan walked away, almost wishing he would run to his boyfriend, kiss him and make up, like they always did. But Seungcheol just watched, watched as the love of his life walked away from him, and everything they had together.

Maybe Jeonghan was right. Maybe he couldn’t fix this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this is kinda like a part two to the previous chapter, I just felt they would be better alone, you know? I hope you liked it! Any feedback is still more than welcome of course, thank you so much for reading this, it means the world to me!


	8. You Don't Have to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first day of school...What does Mingyu have planned?

No one likes the first day of school, meeting new classmates, new teachers, getting new assignments. A stressful time for even those few that were actually mentally stable. Needless to say, the group of thirteen boys were in quite the state of panic.

Wonwoo was tearing through his cabinets, in search of a particularly elusive necktie, despite Jeonghan’s claim that he could borrow one of his. He kept insisting that he didn’t want to owe any favors over a piece of cloth. Speaking of Jeonghan, the heartbroken boy was completely refusing to go to class, something Wonwoo was dead set on not letting happen. 

“What is Joshua going to think? Or Chan? They’re only Freshmen, do you want to tell them it’s fine to not go to class.” Wonwoo exclaimed, yelling in joy when he finally found the tie his father had given him to wear his first day. Jeonghan thought for a moment.

“Yeah, actually, I’d be honored to teach them that. Joshua needs to loosen up anyway.” He smirked at the thought of the young boy, who had practically adopted as a younger brother in the past week.

“UGHHHHH!” Wonwoo groaned, storming out of the room with his backpack, bursting at the seams with all the books he packed in. Wonwoo stomped down the hall, all the way to Mingyu and Jihoon’s shared room. He rapped his knuckles against the door harshly, leaving red marks on his fingers.

Mingyu swung the door open, nearly hitting the aggravated boy. He smiled at the shorter, rustling his hair a little. 

Leaning over and pecking his boyfriend’s lips gently, Mingyu strode down the hall, ignoring Wonwoo’s pleads to help with Jeonghan. He simply shrugged.

“That’s Jeonghan for you, I gotta get to class, I’ll see you later alright Won?” Mingyu said hurriedly, almost running over a freshman still in his pyjamas.

Wonwoo sighed again, looking into Mingyu’s room, where an angry Jihoon was staring daggers at him. Wonwoo shuddered, closing the door behind him.

He wondered who else could get Jeonghan to class, Seungcheol would just send him spiraling further, he didn’t want to bother Joshua or Chan on their first day of highschool, Soonyoung wasn’t close enough to Jeonghan to offer much in terms of persuasion, Minghao and Jun were most likely way too enamored by each other to be any help to anyone, Vernon and Seungkwan were probably already tweaked out of their minds and fucking by now, and he didn’t know Seokmin well enough to bother him so early in the morning.

Wonwoo sighed, running weak fingers through his already thinning hair. He figured he was going to have to make his peace with leaving Jeonghan alone for the day if he wanted to get to class even semi- on time.

Making a split decision, Wonwoo sprinted through the maroon halls, dashing past a confused Minghao and barely making it through the doors of his homeroom before the bell rang.

The teacher stared at him before making a mark on the only blank box on her sheet, he hoped it wasn’t a late mark but honestly, who even cared at that point, at least he was in class and not lying in bed pondering how his boyfriend got another girl pregnant, like someone he knew.

Wonwoo’s eyes scanned the class for a familiar face, stopping at Seokmin, who was sitting by the window, surrounded by a group of friends. They were all laughing. They all seemed so happy. Wonwoo wondered what that was like.

Seokmin noticed him staring and cocked his head to the side a bit, likely processing his face, trying to distinguish it from the hundreds of other faces he was seemingly much closer with. Wonwoo noted when recognition fluttered across the male’s face, a smile then tugging at his lips.

The friendly boy gestured for Wonwoo to go over and meet his friends, and, still unsure whether he was completely comfortable with it, Wonwoo obliged. His feet felt like iron with every step he took, every millisecond he regretted his choice more.

“Hey guys this is Jeon Wonwoo, a new friend of mine!” Seokmin pointed warmly at the quivering boy, the wide grin never once fleeing his face. Wonwoo nodded a bit, raising his hand in greeting. The group gave him kind hello’s each saying a name he was sure would leave his unsteady mind the second they were spoken.

Wonwoo listened in on the conversation, observing the various lilts of voice coming from the group. Someone told a joke, it wasn’t funny, but everyone laughed. Wonwoo joined them, a genuine smile creeping past his teeth. 

Why did he do that?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The bell rang, abrasively attacking Wonwoo’s ears, sensitive after hours of listening to teachers drone on and on. He was about to walk out the door to see if Jeonghan was up and out of bed yet when Seokmin stopped him at the threshold.

“Mingyu wants you to meet him outside by the track.” Seokmin said, leaning on the frame ever so slightly. Wonwoo nodded, thanking him internally for the message while shrugging his way past.

He tried not to be worried, but his emotions got the best of him, wondering why his boyfriend would want to meet him like this, so suddenly.

All of Wonwoo’s worries were released, though, when he saw Mingyu sitting, crisscrossed on a plaid blanket, in the middle of the field, a brown wicker basket next to him. A huge smile was painted on the tall boys face as he stood, making his way to the smaller and kissing him gently on the forehead.

“A bit cliche, don’t you think?” Wonwoo asked, peering around the boy’s large frame. Mingyu simply shrugged in response, leading him to the blanket, where they plopped themselves onto the turf. 

Mingyu began pulling out a few sandwiches from the basket and Wonwoo’s stomach churned. He glanced up at his boy’s calm face nervously, twiddling with his fingers.

“I’m not hungry.” Wonwoo stated a little too quickly. Mingyu only chuckled, looking deep into the other’s eyes.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to be.” Mingyu said, ruffling his hand through Wonwoo’s hair softly. Wonwoo smiled in relief, the knots in his stomach releasing.

The atmosphere was calm, and relaxed, Mingyu talked endlessly about a new book he was getting super into and Wonwoo was listening, his chin cupped in his palm occasionally taking swigs from the water-bottle Mingyu had brought for him.

It was clear that neither of them wanted to go back when the alarm Mingyu had set on his phone chimed obnoxiously. Wonwoo looked up at him.

“How bout we don’t go back?” Mingyu suggested. Wonwoo smirked, practically pouncing on his boyfriend, letting their lips touch gracefully, then rougher. Mingyu pulled away just long enough for the smaller to speak.

“I’ve been wanting to do this since I first saw you.”

 

Mingyu didn’t respond, instead he crashed their bodies together aggressively, grinding their hip bones together. Wonwoo slipped his tongue into the younger’s mouth, flicking it around momentarily before darting it out again, grinning internally when Mingyu whined as it left.

Yeah, they could stay like that for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was actually so bad guys, I was having a bit of writers block with this chapter so it's not nearly as good as I would like it to be but I wanted to have something kinda sweet in there so hopefully it's good enough!


	9. He Didn't Hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry
> 
> Trigger Warning

Wonwoo woke, drenched in sweat, at 1:37 in the morning, to a loud thud coming from his and Jeonghan’s bathroom. He bolted upright suddenly, his heart thumping and his chest aching. Jeonghan was still asleep, not having been startled by the soft noise.

Wonwoo stood, every bone in his body absolutely stiff with fear, it never had occurred to him to wake the sleeping boy, so he just continued on alone, pulse running near a mile a minute. He approached the bathroom, rearing up on it anxiously. Quickly, he threw the door open, ready to attack.

 

The thud might not have woken Jeonghan, but Wonwoo’s screams certainly did.

Wonwoo didn’t even hear the hurried feet, slapping against the floor as Jeonghan sprinted to him. He didn’t hear when Jeonghan yelled at him to call Minghao. He didn’t hear the high-pitched ringing in his head, warning him that he may pass out if he didn’t do something.

All he could hear was his boyfriends retching, horrible and vicious, bringing him to all fours on the tile, and the screech of an empty pill bottle falling to the floor.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Is he going to have to go back to the institution?” A shivering Joshua asked Jeonghan in the hospital waiting room, wrapped in both a blanket and his honorary older brother’s warm embrace. Jeonghan acted like he was entangled with Joshua so intensely as he was in order to comfort the younger, but everyone knew Jeonghan simply craved the innocent energy radiating from Joshua’s body, and everyone accepted it.

“I don’t know what they’re going to do with him, it’s his seventh time, they can’t just have him go back to school again and pretend everything is fine….because it’s clearly not.” Jeonghan whispered the last part, almost as if he was trying to shield himself from the words, distance him from their meaning so much that they no longer meant anything to him. It didn’t work, evident in the tears silently and slowly flowing down his gaunt cheeks.

“I thought he was getting better.” Jihoon spoke up, burying his face into his palms, a worried Soonyoung rubbing his back comfortingly. Everyone nodded, they had thought the same thing. He had just seemed so happy lately, everyone had really thought, or at least hoped, that last time would have really been the last time. As if two broken legs wasn’t enough for him, he needed more. Yet again fate had come in and twisted them up, proving them wrong and making a fool of everyone in the room, waiting to find out if that time was finally it, the time when Mingyu would succeed. They all knew it was bound to happen eventually, with how relentless he seemed to be, but no one had ever expected it….until now.

It wasn’t the worst Mingyu had ever left himself but swallowing almost a whole bottle of antidepressants could really do damage, even if he did manage to survive. But no one wanted to think about the if’s yet, they just needed to make sure he was alive.

Wonwoo had been staring blankly at a single tile for the entire time the rest of the boys were talking, it was only when a rough, and somewhat aggressive voice uttered, “Here for Kim Mingyu.” Did his ears perk up and his gaze shift forward.

The woman in front of the counter looked downright rich, filthy rich, no getting around it. The fur coat she was wearing was most likely not faux, and her boots almost certainly designer. It was only when the woman identified herself as Mingyu’s mother did the boy’s faces turn sour, they had all heard the stories.

“So, what’s he in here for anyway? Slip in the rain or something? The clumsy bastard.” Mingyu’s mom chuckled, laughing at her own joke while the nurse looked at her, concern etched into her clean features.

“Ma’am, Kim Mingyu was admitted about an hour ago for an attempted suicide.” The nurse explained cautiously, her voice soft, and gentle.

Only a few of the boy’s caught on to her rolling her eyes at the nurse’s words, but all of them anticipated it.

“Ugh, that kid is going to be the end to my bank account, what number is this? His sixth?” Mingyu’s mom asked, leaning against the counter casually, no concern for her dying son whatsoever.

“Seventh.” Squeaked Soonyoung from the side, drawing Mrs. Kim’s attention to the twelve boys waiting, some in the uncomfortable plastic chairs, some on other’s laps, some even sprawling out on the dirty, tiled floor.

“Whatever.” The word cut harshly into the fragile boys and this time it was Jihoon’s turn to comfort Soonyoung. Mrs. Kim turned her attention back to the nurse.

“So how many papers do I need to sign to get him out of here?” She asked, bringing out a pen, always ready. Wonwoo cringed at the fact she just assumed her son was always going to survive.

“Well,” The nurse began, clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation, “it’s recommended when a patient attempts something like this that they are sent…” The nurse never got to finish her sentence as the woman cut her off.

“To a private institution where all their needs will be seen to, yeah got it, I sent him to one of those on his first, third, and sixth attempt, lotta good it did him, now...I’m very tired, and I’ve had a long day, what do I need to sign.” The woman leaned forward on the desk, intimidating the young nurse, who was not equipped to handle such a situation. The nurse brought out a pile of paperwork which the woman took barely three minutes to sign. She was about to walk out again when the nurse spoke up once more.

“Wait! Who do we contact if he wakes up!?” The nurse yelled, not stopping the woman for more than a minute.

“Just tell that one.” The woman said, pointing at seungcheol, and then swiftly walking out, leaving the whole room in shock.

Wonwoo felt tears prickle at his eyes, wiping furiously to stop them from falling. Oh how he wished he could just be wrapped up in Mingyu’s embrace, inhaling his cinnamon scent, holding the soft skin on his hand.

 

It was hours later when a doctor walked through the doors, every boy jumping to his feet.

“How is he? Kim Mingyu!” Seungcheol asked, stepping forward. The doctor looked back at the nurse and she nodded, confirming that he could share this information with the boy before him.

“He’s doing just fine, we expect full recovery and to keep him here no longer than two weeks. You can see him now actually, just no more than three at a time.” The doctor smiled as he said this, watching the worried expressions on the twelve boy’s faces switch to relieved and grateful. He was not, however, expecting the full on group hug that engulfed him, smothering him half to death.

“Thank you so much doctor! Thank you so much!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't an accurate hospital description at all and I BSed the whole thing, thanks for reading!
> 
> Also: This is pretty much completely unedited besides the basic stuff so I'm rly sorry you guys have to deal with that, I hope it doesn't make it too difficult to read!


	10. Please, Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu's in the hospital, how will everyone react

The boys had all simultaneously agreed that even though three were allowed to see Mingyu at a time, Jeonghan and Wonwoo should be the first ones to go. No one objected as the pair walked down the hall, the younger one grasping the more experienced in this situation’s hand in an attempt to subside his fear.

Jeonghan threw an arm around the trembling boy’s shoulders, giving a warm squeeze once the two ended up in front of the large door, the number 317 plastered onto the wood before them. Wonwoo didn’t want to go in, he didn’t want to see his boyfriend, laying on the blank hospital sheets, an IV dripping fluids into his body so his organs didn’t shrivel and die like a prune.

Jeonghan twisted the door knob, opening it heavily and pushing Wonwoo through, knowing the younger wouldn’t be able to enter of his own accord.

The sight that greeted them almost made Wonwoo turn and run back to the waiting room, but instead it drove him straight to the bed, trying his hardest not sob and failing desperately. Mingyu had a thin white cover spread over him, his face pale and drained of all liveliness, his hair was disheveled, sprawling across his forehead messily. His hands were fiddling in his lap and there were tubes in his nose along with the IV stuck in his hand.

“I’m so sorry.” Mingyu whispered into Wonwoo’s shoulder, welcoming the embrace from the sobbing boy. Wonwoo began smothering his face with small kisses, lovely lip prints staying in the memory under Mingyu’s skin. He pulled back, taking Mingyu’s blanched face in his palms.

“It’s not okay,” Wonwoo said, Mingyu’s gaze shifted down, not wanting to meet anyone’s eyes, he had expected this, he had only expected Wonwoo to break up with him after what he did. Who wanted to be tangled up with a mess like him?

“But it will be.” Mingyu’s eyes snapped upward, tears forming in his eyes. Wonwoo ruffled the beautiful boy’s hair, situating himself on his lap while Jeonghan stepped forward, resting a leg on the bedside table beside them.

“She said sending you back to the institution would be pointless.” Jeonghan said, point blank, Mingyu understood instantly.

“They’re starting to lose hope in me.” Mingyu told them, his mind wandering back to the conversation he had shared with Wonwoo on the rooftop that warm night, only a few weeks before. He knew Wonwoo’s thoughts went the same direction by the kisses that suddenly showered the top of his head. Jeonghan shrugged, not able to deny it in the slightest.

“Prove them wrong then.” Jeonghan stood, shuffling closer to the sleepy boy. He brought the boy close to his chest, letting his head rest on the soft silk of his pyjamas, not caring if tears managed to seep through the expensive material. Unlike the taller’s mother, Jeonghan treasured Mingyu more than things.

“I’m trying to Hannie,” Mingyu choked out, “It’s just so hard.” Nimble hands began raking through the tangled mess of Mingyu’s hair and Mingyu leaned further into Jeonghan’s gentle touch, allowing his sobs to course through him violently.

Jeonghan transferred Mingyu to Wonwoo’s grasp, squatting by the bed so he could be at eye level. Mingyu turned to face him, still clutching onto his boyfriend’s shoulders in order to stabilize himself.

“I know it’s hard Gyu, trust me, but don’t worry, because you’re not alone in it, you don’t have to be. We’re going to make sure you get back into therapy, I don’t know why we ever let you stop, and I’m going to get you a refill of your pills and keep them with me, so I can watch you take them every morning, and we’re all going to make sure our phones are on constantly, so you can call us whenever you need to. We’re going to help you get better, every single one of us. That is, if you want to get better?” Jeonghan rested a hand on Mingyu’s leg, looking at him hesitantly, if the boy was so ready to give up on his life, who was to say that he wouldn’t be just as ready to give up on trying to get better.

To everyone’s relief, Mingyu forced a smile through his cracked lips, nodding his head fervently, making tear drops fly.

“I want to be better! I want it so bad! But I don’t know if I can!” Jeonghan rushed to Mingyu’s side, joining the hug Wonwoo was already enveloping him in.

“I want it so bad…”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Seungcheol and Jihoon were the next to check in on Mingyu, Wonwoo adamant about not leaving the damaged boy’s side even for a second. 

Jihoon was fine with going to see the boy, having done so many times before, but Seungcheol never quite got used to it, dreading each walk through the hallway to Mingyu’s room, the same one every time, 317. They might as well have put a special sign on it, ‘reserved for Kim Mingyu’. 

Jihoon cracked the door open, peeking through to make sure both boys were decent before walking in and making himself comfortable on the plush green chair across from the bed. Seungcheol lurked at the corner’s of the room, cowering timidly.

“You should leave an extra pair of clothes in here or something.” Jihoon said, “Or decorate it.” The four looked at the bleak walls, coated in layers of the same beige shade. Mingyu cracked a tiny smile.

“I’m hoping not to back here anytime soon,” Mingyu said, rubbing Wonwoo’s arm absentmindedly.

“Yeah, I think we’re all hoping for that.” Jihoon said watching as Mingyu chuckled a bit. It was small, but genuine. Wonwoo grinned, Jihoon might have scared the shit out of him, but ultimately, he was just glad the short boy could offer some happiness in Mingyu’s life.

“I’m going to try real hard, Jihoonie, I’ll bet this times gonna be my last.” Mingyu said, throwing his arms around, making Wonwoo concerned for the IV stuck in one of his veins. Jihoon laughed, soft and proud.

“I’ll take that bet any day!” Jihoon stuck his hand out to Mingyu, who pretended to shake it, feigning laziness when everyone knew he was far too weak to even think about standing.

It’s when the laughter in the dimly lit hospital room died down that Mingyu noticed Seungcheol, his eyes cast down, hair acting as another layer between him and the ‘sick’ boy.

“You can’t even look at me can you?” Mingyu asked, scoffing quietly. Seungcheol looked up, his eyes squinting at Mingyu, trying his best not to let the pupils waver away from the deadhly looking figure. Mingyu held his stare easily, his eyes, blurry with tears, blocking his elder from sight.

“I don’t like seeing you like this, with your outsides looking as sick as your mind.” Seungcheol admitted, backing further against the wall, his back pressed so tightly to the paint it should have rubbed off onto his jacket.

Mingyu nodded sadly, his head bobbing limply, his eyes fastened on Wonwoo’s hands, which were playing with his fingers comfortingly.

“It’s fine,” Mingyu told him, “I don’t like seeing myself like this either. You can leave, I understand.” Seungcheol glanced at the door, held slightly ajar. He shook his head.

“How could I ever leave my favorite puppy?” Seungcheol asked, walking forward and cupping Mingyu’s chin in his fingers.

“I’m sorry Cheol, I’m trying to get better.” Now it was Mingyu who couldn’t seem to meet his elder’s eyes.

“I believe in you.” Seungcheol said, petting Mingyu’s hair just as he would a puppy.

“Please, don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys are enjoying this, the next few chapters are going to be just basically how this one was so I'm really sorry if this is boring but I promise I'll get back to the story after. Comment what you think is going to happen after Mingyu gets out of the hospital, I love seeing what you guys have to say!!!


	11. Thank You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These next two chapters are going to be some of the shortest I've ever written so I guess you can skip them if you really want to, I just didn't want to leave anyone out!

Joshua and Seokmin reluctantly stood when Jihoon and Seungcheol re entered the waiting room, knowing their turn had come. Seokmin was calm, not being quite as close to Mingyu as the others. Joshua, on the other hand, was a total mess.

Seokmin strutted into the cold hospital room, greeting Mingyu warmly, offering his presence, but not sure of what else to say. Joshua filed in after timidly, it was only the young boy’s second time seeing his elder in this circumstance, and he wasn’t sure what to expect.

 

Mingyu opened his arms up the second Joshua had appeared, Wonwoo shifting off his lap knowingly, just in time for the young boy to leap into Mingyu’s arms, burying his head into the rough fabric of the hospital gown. He wasn’t crying, but the shaking worried Mingyu enough to keep Joshua as close as he possibly could.

“Tell me everything.” Joshua demanded, the older boys hadn’t refused him the details, but more so withheld them, not wanting to worry the boy even further before they even knew if Mingyu would wake up. He wanted to know. He deserved to know.

“Well, I woke up here an hour or two ago and the doctor told me I had swallowed a whole bunch of pills and that they had to pump my stomach, which is why I have this IV, so I don’t get dehydrated. He had me fill out this whole questionnaire thing which basically was just making sure I wasn’t a drug addict or anything. I had some of those air tubes in my nose a little bit ago too, they were to make sure my lungs were still functioning properly and that I hadn’t damaged them in any way.” Mingyu kept talking, but most of it was simply to soothe Joshua rather than give any actual information, he knew how the boy got nervous and didn’t want it to spiral into a panic attack, he didn’t think he was worth the trouble.

 

“You scared us all pretty bad, we weren’t sure if you were going to make it for a while there.” Seokmin said, a grin on his face. His words were spoken in good nature, but they panged something deep in Mingyu’s chest. Wonwoo squeezed his hand a bit, and for that Mingyu was grateful, he was always there. 

Mingyu didn’t respond with anything more than a weak smirk, unnatural and unwanted. He hadn’t meant to scare any of them, he had genuinely thought they would be better off without. He was just trying to help.

“Thank you,” Joshua whispered, Mingyu smiled a bit.

“For what? I haven’t caused anything but pain.” Mingyu asked, brushing the hair away from the young boy’s eyes.

“Thank you for not dying.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Hansol and Seungkwan had never been what you would call close to Mingyu, but they had their moments, just like all the boy’s did. Occasionally Mingyu would get weed from the couple, something that often left him tumbling into a depressive state worse than the one he was already in, but the two like the money, so they would supply him. They would have to remind themselves to stop after this.

The pair walked through the halls with their hands intertwined, grasping tightly to each other, taking in the feeling of the other’s skin against their own. They opened the door, walking in to see Mingyu and Wonwoo, their foreheads together and eyes closed. Wonwoo was whispering something into Mingyu’s mouth. The two looked up when they heard the door opened.

Wonwoo separated himself from his boyfriend, a light crimson painting his face.

The couples looked at each other awkwardly. Wonwoo had never seen Vernon and Seungkwan’s eyes look so bright, the whites of their eyes so clear. Likewise, Vernon and Seungkwan had never really seen the two so clearly.

“We’re glad you’re not dead.” Seungkwan said, rubbing the nape of his neck nervously. Mingyu chuckled, a bit of colour had returned to his face in the past hours. Not a lot, but enough.

"yeah, me too"


	12. I Don't Believe You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJORRRRRRR FILLER CHAPTER, this is actually so bad and literally just 400 words, I just put it in here for some Chan, Soonyoung, Jun, and Minghao time, I hope you like it anyway though!

The air felt uncomfortable, and rigid when Soonyoung and Chan stood before Mingyu. Everyone could feel the heat radiating off of Chan’s body. He was angry, and no one knew what he might do when he’s angry. Wonwoo sat on Mingyu’s lap, ready to intervene if need be, although both knew he would be zero help against a wild Chan.

Soonyoung mostly just felt sad, very sad. It was evident in the way he stood, in the way he carried himself into the room. He felt betrayed. Although they may seem distant to others, Mingyu and Soonyoung were close, and Soonyoung had always looked up to Mingyu.

The real reason for Soonyoung’s feelings of betrayal were left unknown to everyone else, though. No one was there with him the last time Mingyu sat in this hospital bed, two broken legs and one broken mind. No one was there when Mingyu had looked him in the eye and promised with his entire heart that he would never do anything like this again. He swore on his own grave.

Soonyoung could see in Mingyu’s eyes that he remembered, in the way that he refused to look to closely into Soonyoung’s dejected gaze, or even turn his face toward the boy.

“I tried my best.” Mingyu mumbled, if everyone in the room didn’t have their entire energy focused directly on him, they might have missed what he said. Soonyoung scoffed, shaking his head.

“I don’t believe you.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mingyu sighed in relief when Jun and Minghao entered the room, connected at the hip just like always. They were the only two that had been in that very hospital the same amount of time’s as Mingyu himself. Whether it be from lacrosse, or fainting, or stress fractures brought on purposefully, or malnutrition, they at least understood, and for that, Mingyu was grateful.

“I don’t understand how you manage to get the same room every time you’re in here,” Jun said, leaning on the green plush chair Minghao was sitting on, “They usually just stick me in whatever room’s most convenient!” Mingyu shrugged, more than happy with his arrangement. He liked his room, it was comfortable and there was a nice view of the parking lot. He liked watching people go home, knowing there was at least a little hope left for them.

“Maybe they think you’re gonna kill yourself if you don’t get this room,” Minghao said, the room erupting into laughter. Mingyu was glad for the small moment of peace, at least for a minute he could feel semi normal.

Even if he knew it wouldn’t last long.


	13. I Won't Let Him Hurt You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo's worried, Joshua gives him a reason to be

Wonwoo hadn’t been able to stay asleep very well ever since the incident, so when he heard a muffled cough coming from the bathroom on 8 AM on a saturday, he bolted upright, sweat already dripping from his face, immediately rushing to the bathroom in bare feet.

Mingyu clamped his hands on Wonwoo’s shoulders as he ran in, looking his boyfriend deeply in the eye, communicating he was alright, that everything was alright. Secretly, he felt bad for making everyone worry so much about him during those two weeks he was in the hospital, but he didn’t show it. He simply tried to make it up in smiles, and taking his pills with Jeonghan every morning, and soon, attending therapy, which Jeonghan and Seungcheol had arranged for him.

That was the one good thing that had come from the whole situation, Jeonghan and Seungcheol had seemed to have made up, even if it meant they were going to be only friends for a while, seeing how Seungcheol hadn’t managed to convince Jisoo to get rid of the baby.

 

Wonwoo looked around the bathroom to see Jeonghan leaning against the counter, a glass of water and a small round pill cupped in his hand. Mingyu scratched the back of Wonwoo’s head and laughed, deep and soft.

“Oh.” Wonwoo said, glancing at his feet. Jeonghan joined in on the laughter and messed up Wonwoo’s hair after giving the pill and water to the taller. Wonwoo’s gaze refused to wander anywhere other than the rough tiles of the floor, he wiggled his toes, feeling them hit the harsh reality underneath him.

“I’m sorry,” Wonwoo said, daring to glance up for a moment into his elder’s caring eyes. Jeonghan smiled, the corners of his mouth not quite stretching as high as they probably should have.

“I need a smoke,” Jeonghan stated abruptly, taking a pack of half gone cigarettes from the waistband of his pyjama pants, “Do you two want to come with?”. Wonwoo was surprised by how easily the smooth fabric of his t-shirt concealed the box.

‘It’s because he has a flat stomach, you could have that too if you tried a little harder.’ Wonwoo shook his head fervently, as if he was trying to shake the thoughts right out of his brain. Mingyu clasped a hand around the boy’s shoulder, his slender fingers curling inward toward Wonwoo’s concave collarbone.

“Yeah we’ll come, I wanted to go for a run anyway, just let me grab my sneakers.” Mingyu walked out the door as Wonwoo leaned against the counter, staring down at his wiry frame.

“I should go for a run too.” Wonwoo said, plucking his t shirt a bit so it wasn’t so tight to his body, revealing every drastic curve. Jeonghan sat on the toilet seat, his hands brushing through his soft locks.

“You should eat some food is what you should do, at least a little, you’re gonna end up in the hospital soon and I don’t know if we can all take another trip there so soon after Mingyu was discharged.” Wonwoo could tell Jeonghan was stressed, the pressure of being the oldest weighing heavily on his expressions, and on his lungs all the boys were fairly certain.

Wonwoo nodded his head, not quite agreeing but not exactly refusing either. He didn’t seem overly skinny in his own mind, but whatever Jeonghan said, he would listen, as long as the eldest wasn’t asking him to start eating three square meals a day or anything.

The younger was about to walk out the door, following his boyfriend’s steps when a firm hand wrapped itself tightly around his upper arm. Wonwoo turned back to see Jeonghan, his face crazed and desperate.

“He’s got it under control you know, I believe in him, you should too.” Jeonghan’s words may have been comforting if it weren't’t for the look on his face. Still, the boy’s calm and even tone made Wonwoo feel a bit better about the situation, if only temporarily.

“I do believe in him, I just, I kinda love him a little bit. I don’t want him to leave.” Wonwoo said, tucking an arm behind his back sheepishly. Jeonghan smirked at the gesture.

“You should tell him that.” Jeonghan said, finally letting Wonwoo go, stalking out of the room before him.

“I will,” Wonwoo assured, following his friend, “Someday.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The rhythmic slapping of MIngyu’s feet against the track soothed Wonwoo, along with the smoke coming from Jeonghan’s slightly parted lips floating up to the sky, mingling with the clouds. Mingyu’s breathing was heavy, the panting somewhat resembling an overworked dog’s.

Wonwoo laid on his back, digging his toes into the soft turf underneath him. He quickly brought his chest up to his bent knees, flexing his stomach muscles just to complete the motion. He did it over, and over, and over, and over. He did it until his mind was foggy and his body sore and there was a pair of strong arms wrapped around his torso.

Mingyu was pulling the limp boy into his arms, whispering sweet nothings into his ear and enveloping his shaking hands with strong ones. The taller tried not to let his boyfriend exercise too much while he was around. He knew Wonwoo would get upset if he couldn’t work out, but he usually seemed to be even more distressed after such short little bursts of exercise, where he would do nearly two hundred sit ups in five to ten minutes. 

Mingyu turned the boy around a bit so he could place a sweet kiss on his lips, bringing their bodies close, Wonwoo leaching off the younger’s heat. They smirked on each others lips, teeth centimeters away from clashing into each other.

“Joshua?” They heard a voice say from beside them. They looked over to see Jeonghan sprawling onto his feet, sprinting across the field in his bare feet. Joshua was on the other side, tears streaming down his face steadily. No sound was escaping from his mouth, but his lips were parted and he kept opening and closing them as if he wanted desperately to say something he wasn’t able to. The most concerning thing however was most likely the large red mark across his face and the black and blue nose spurting blood.

“Why does bad stuff always have to happen when we’re kissing?” Wonwoo sighed, pulling himself and his boyfriend to their feet as they ran to Joshua and a frantic Jeonghan.

“What happened?!” Jeonghan asked, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the blood from Joshua’s face gently. There was no doubt his nose was broken, they would have to go to the ER to get it fixed up, but first…….answers, they needed answers.

Mingyu turned away to call Jun, the master in anything broken, bruised, or bloody while Joshua mumbled out a feeble excuse, one that no one in the history of anything would believe.

“Was it your dad?” Jeonghan asked, his voice lowering a few decibels, “Is he back?” Joshua sniffled and winced in pain, giving all three the answers they needed.

Jeonghan ran a hand through the younger’s crusty hair, likely fragile from the blood that had layered over it. He glanced at the dorms behind Joshua’s shoulder,

“Is he still there?” Joshua shook his head no frantically and everyone backed off, no one was really in any position to leave the boy anyway. Jeonghan sat on the turf, setting a still crying Joshua in his lap. It was evident the small boy was in quite a bit of pain and nobody liked seeing it. They were all more than relieved when Jun arrived, armed with a small medical kit.

The broad boy wiped Joshua’s face, clearing away the blood as easily as he could. He placed a small bandage over the bride of the boys bruised and swollen nose before backing away.

“He should be fine for now but if the swelling doesn’t go down we’ll need to take him to the ER.” Jun said, patting his friend on the shoulder. That was one of the best things about Jun, he would do what he was asked and leave, no questions asked, no answers expected. He was just there when you needed him, Minghao must have been one lucky guy.

Jeonghan hugged Joshua, who’s tears had resumed after Jun had backed away.

“It’s okay Shua,” Jeonghan whispered, “I won’t let him hurt you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this guys, I know this story is kinda a lot so please write in the comments what you think is going to happen or what you want to happen, I really love reading what you guys say and it would probably help me a ton in terms of writers block!


	14. I Have to Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol tries to talk to Jeonghan, but he messed up too badly

Jeonghan barely looked up when Choi Seungcheol sauntered into his room, acting like he owned the place, like always. Jeonghan didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to hear the new excuses his ex had thought up since last time he had tried to worm his way back into the older’s life.

“Hey,” Seungcheol said, sitting on the edge of Wonwoo’s bed. Jeonghan nodded his head without making eye contact. “So, what’re you doing?” The younger asked, shifting his feet on the smooth wood.

“Did you convince her to get rid of it?” Jeonghan asked, placing his book roughly on the covers beside him. Seungcheol stilled, his eyes glassy and hands shaky.

“You know she’s not going to do it Hannie,” Seungcheol said, making Jeonghan cringe at the nickname that once made him swoon, “I don’t know what else you want me to do.” Jeonghan’s eyes narrowed and he sat up, resting his hands on his knees.

“I wanted you to not sleep with her in the first place, Cheolie,” Jeonghan spit, turning Seungcheol’s sweet name into something bitter, and retched, “I don’t even understand why you did it! Was I not good enough for you?” The last part came out softer than Jeonghan would’ve hoped, soft enough for Seungcheol to know it was something that truly did plague his mind.

“That’s not it.” Seungcheol said, Jeonghan tried not to notice how it seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than anything. “I don’t know why I did it, it was stupid, and I hate myself for it.” Jeonghan scoffed painfully.

“If you hate yourself, imagine how I feel?” Jeonghan ran a hand through his hair, trying to gain back control over his emotions. “You can’t take it back, the damage is done, okay? You slept with her and now she’s pregnant, congratu-fucking-lations! You’re going to be a dad! Before college! With a girl you don’t even love!” Jeonghan stopped in his tracks, a horrid thought crossing his mind, “Do you love her?” He whispered, scared to hear the answer.

 

“In a way…” Jeonghan stood up, pacing the room, his face flushed, and eyes wild. 

“I need a smoke,” He said, trembling hands reaching for his waistband. Once he successfully managed to have smoke billowing from his lips, he turned back to Seungcheol, who hadn’t moved an inch. “Was anything we had real?” He asked, confident, and loud. He needed to know the answer, even if it killed him.

“Everything we had was real, hell, it still is!” Seungcheol said, desperate tears staining his face.

“No,” Jeonghan said, taking another drag, “everything we had crumbled the moment you decided to sleep with her” Jeonghan would be lying if he had said that the feelings he harbored for Seungcheol were gone, he doubted they ever would be, but their relationship, that was the one thing he could let go.

“I’m so sorry, I just miss you so much!” Seungcheol was practically sobbing at this point, his voice laced with venomous sweetness.

“Why didn’t you think of that before!” Jeonghan demanded, trying his best to barricade the tears behind his eyes. Seungcheol shook his head.

“I did! But I was stupid!” Seungcheol pleaded, still not moving from his stop on Wonwoo’s bed, contaminating his sheets with the tears of a failed love.

 

“You didn’t think you would get caught.” Jeonghan said, and nothing Seungcheol said after that could erase the look in his eyes when Jeonghan whittled through him. The look of begging for forgiveness they both knew he would never get. The look of failure.

“I’m so sorry.” Seungcheol said, finally standing up. He reached for Jeonghan, who quickly pulled away from his grasp. The older began walking out the door, ready to leave every memory this room held behind.

“I have to go take Mingyu to his therapy appointment, it’s his first one and I don’t wanna be late.” Jeonghan said hurriedly, rushing through the doorway.

“Hannie!” Seungcheol yelled, the urgency in his voice making Jeonghan stop and turn in his tracks. The elder desperately was hoping that whatever Seungcheol was going to say would be enough to make him turn and run into his arms, enough to forget about the mistakes of the past and move forward, enough to salvage their shattered relationship, enough to erase. 

“I still love you.” Jeonghan turned around, showing his ex only his back, the only part of Jeonghan he deserved to see. He didn’t turn back again as he walked through the door.

“I have to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> K so I didn't expect this chapter to be so short.....also I feel like my writing skills are majorly going down hill and I'm not into it, but it's always good in this house hold!


	15. She's My Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu goes to a therapy appointment, a girl appears

Jeonghan eventually found Mingyu in the field by the track, with Wonwoo right beside him, of course. The shorter had his head resting on Mingyu’s stomach, his eyes scanning the book held in front of him as Mingyu played softly with his hair, even braiding some of the longer strands together.

Jeonghan didn’t want to bother them, didn’t want to interrupt the happiness of the small world they held each other in, with the harsh reality that Mingyu had to get in a car with them and go to therapy because he tried to kill himself no more than a week earlier. He didn’t want to impose that on them, but he knew it would be horribly irresponsible for him to not.

 

“Mingyu,” Jeonghan softly whispered, watching as the smile that had previously graced the tall boy’s lips fade away into a hardened grimace. Everyone knew what was happening, Wonwoo even managed to sit up, his palms burning as they dug into the harsh turf.

“I’ll be right there with you.” Wonwoo said, his indented hand finding its way to Mingyu’s. The younger boy nodded, sweeping some hair out of his face, and stood, bringing Wonwoo along with him.

Jeonghan led the boy’s to his car that was indefinitely seated in the dorm parking lot. He didn’t look back, he didn’t feel like interrupting yet again, and besides, it seemed like their presence was important to each other at the moment.

Jeonghan’s car was parked under a shady tree, something he was grateful for, since never driving meant that most often his car would just be stewing in the heat, something he didn’t feel like explaining to his parents. He clicked a button on the keys in his hand, watching as the car lit up, the locks popping up, as if they wanted to say hi.

Wonwoo climbed in after Mingyu, most would think it was normal, but Jeonghan knew the pair well enough to realize that Mingyu might have just turned around and walked away if it weren’t for Wonwoo playing the metaphorical plug.

 

The ride was silent, and calm. Almost like the three boys were simply in the eye of a hurricane, waiting patiently for it to swallow them whole, to consume them.

 

The building was beige, and small, smaller than they had expected it to be. Wonwoo griped Mingyu’s hand tightly, the taller was close to demanding the car turn around. He glanced at the clock, they were a few minutes early.

 

“Gyu?” Wonwoo asked, stroking the back of Mingyu’s hand with his thumb, “Why did you decide to quit therapy in the first place?” He noticed that even Jeonghan seemed to tense at this question.

“It wasn’t helping,” Mingyu said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, “and my mom kept telling me that she thinks she failed as a parent because I was getting professional help, and after my fifth attempt, she finally just stopped caring.” Wonwoo didn’t push him any further, he didn’t even respond, instead, he simply rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder until Jeonghan pointed to the clock, signaling their need to leave.

The lady at the front desk was stout, and had an unfriendly air about her, something it seemed like she couldn’t help. Her glasses hung limply at the edge of her sharp nose and her black hair appeared to be thinning out around her ears.

“Name?” The lady asked. The two boys looked to Jeonghan for this.

“Kim Mingyu, we made an appointment.” Jeonghan spoke clearly, like he knew exactly what he was doing, despite the doubt that was making his stomach churn.

“Ahhh okay, Kim Mingyu, the doctor will see you shortly, in the meantime, can you please fill out this sheet?” She handed Jeonghan a clipboard, which he passed along to Mingyu. The boy nodded and headed to the seats, which were a bit nicer than your normal waiting room chairs.

Wonwoo tried not to look over to see what Mingyu was filling out, he really did, but curiosity overtook him, and he leaned to the side a bit, shifting his eyes to the paper.

It was one of those standard assessments for mental health, he had filled them out before when his mother demanded the family try this new group therapy thing her friend had recommended. He lied on the entire thing.

 

It wasn’t long before a woman appeared through a door on their right, a clipboard in hand and a smile on her face. “Kim Mingyu?” She said cheerily, her eyes scanning the near empty room. Mingyu stood, his eyes cast down at the maroon carpeting.

“Can I go with him?” Wonwoo was asking before he was even aware his mouth was moving. The woman looked at Mingyu, who eye’s had perked up a little at the suggestion.

“Whatever makes Mingyu the most comfortable for now.” She replied, Wonwoo noting how she had emphasized the ‘for now’. Mingyu nodded and Wonwoo jogged over, lacing their hands together.

The woman didn’t appear to have any reaction toward the two boys and for that Wonwoo was thankful, he didn’t want something as stupid as that to jeopardize his boyfriend’s mental health.

 

The walk to her office was short and uncomplicated, Mingyu liked that there was an easy escape, just in case.

When the two boys had seated themselves on the leather couch with the woman sat in front of them, on a single chair, she decided to introduce herself.

“I’m Dr. Kim Hyuna,” The woman said, waving her hand a bit, “but you can call me Dr. Hyuna if you want.” She smiled warmly, putting the whole room at ease, something Wonwoo was grateful for.

“So, Mingyu,” Dr. Hyuna said, addressing the trembling boy, “it says here that for ‘suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm’ you marked, almost every day. Is that true?” Mingyu simply nodded, “Have you ever purposefully self harmed?” She asked. To Wonwoo’s surprise his boyfriend seemed calm, something that worried him quite a bit.

“Not without an end goal in sight.” He answered, Wonwoo wondered how he could be comfortable sharing all this with a complete stranger. He expected the woman to end the topic there, move on to something else on the list, but she refused to relent.

“Can you elaborate on that for me, please?” She scribbled something quickly on her clipboard. Mingyu nodded.

“I mean, I have scars on my wrist, but it’s not from self harm, usually when I put those scars there, I have something a bit more….permanent, in mind, if you know what I mean?” Mingyu’s response was begging Dr. Hyuna to stop, and she complied, simply nodding and scanning further down on the clipboard.

“You marked almost every day for ‘thought’s of hopelessness, or worthlessness’ as well, would you like to tell me about those thoughts?” She asked. Mingyu wanted to shake his head no, wanted to stand up and walk right through the hall all the way back to Jeonghan, wanted his honorary older brother to take him in his arms, playing the part of his mother as he sobbed into the soft linen of his shirt. But he couldn’t, he had promised everyone he would try to get better, and he couldn’t break another promise.

“Not much to tell,” Mingyu said, “I just can’t really imagine much of a future for myself.” Wonwoo’s thoughts wandered back to that first conversation they held, so many nights ago on the rooftop, when Wonwoo couldn’t sleep and Mingyu’s thoughts were too crowded. It took everything inside of him not to scream at the boy, to tell him that he could imagine a future where they were together, that Mingyu didn’t need to imagine a future for himself because he was more than welcome inside of Wonwoo’s. But he couldn’t, so he didn’t.

“And why is that?” Hyuna asked, leaning forward in her seat. Mingyu shrugged.

“Maybe because I don’t want there to be a future with me in it.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jeonghan walked into the dining room that afternoon to quite the scene laid out before him. Mingyu and Wonwoo had opted for simply sitting together in Wonwoo’s bed for the night, after their stressful day, leaving Jeonghan to make his way to the dining hall alone. Normally he would’ve minded, but that day he was STARVING, he needed to get some food immediately.

However, all of that disappeared when he walked into the dining hall to see a small girl with bleached blonde hair and fair skin practically slapping the shit out of Seungcheol. Seokmin was behind them, watching them with horror in his eyes, occasionally calling out a feeble, “I think that’s maybe enough Maizono?” 

The girl, Maizono, never stopped though, unlike Jeonghan when he heard what she was shouting into Seungcheol face.

“How could you do that to him! Jeonghan did nothing to you! But of course you had to go knock up some other girl and leave him all alone! What were you thinking!? How IRRESPONSIBLE ARE YOU!!!???” Maizono aimed a particularly painful looking slap to Seungcheol chest and Jeonghan winced a bit. Seungcheol looked like he wanted to say something but was too scared, and no one really blamed him.

“GOSH! I just can’t believe you boys! Never thinking of the consequences! Going to be the death of me one day!” With that Maizono strutted out of the dining hall, leaving everyone with mouths gaped open, as if they were trying to catch flies.

After a good ten seconds Seokmin broke out into a jog, most likely on his way to go find that girl. Before he could completely leave, though, Jeonghan grabbed Seokmin arm, pulling him closer.

“Who was that girl?” Jeonghan asked, his voice shaky from the experience. Seokmin grinned sheepishly and raised an arm to the back of his neck.

“She’s my sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I tried to make this as realistic as possible but I've never been to therapy since my mom doesn't believe in therapy (kinda like Mingyu's mom but without the suicide) so if I messed anything up pls tell me! Also, if you have any suggestions for this story like something you want to see happen pls tell me and I'll try to write it! Also, comment what you THINK is going to happen if you want to! I love seeing what you guys have to say!


	16. Operation: Get Joshua A Lady-Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cute fluff, super short chapter but I rly liked it, no angst!

“Jeonghan?” Joshua said absentmindedly, his hands tapping on the metal bleachers, where all thirteen boys were lounging on a day off from school. Jeonghan looked over worriedly, as he always did when it came to his beloved ‘little brother’.

“What’s up?” Jeonghan asked, leaning forward a bit, his tailbone rubbing uncomfortably against the hard surface. A light smile played at the younger's lips, as if he were debating whether or not to say what was on his mind.

“Do you remember that girl from the dining hall?” Joshua asked, a faint blush creeping around his cheeks, “Maizono, I think her name was?” Jeonghan felt a wide grin split his face as he stood up, facing the rest of his friends.

“Seokmin, get the fuck out!” Jeonghan said, pointing toward the dorms. Seokmin looked shocked for a second before nodding his head a little and climbing over the bleachers, making his way back to his dorm. Jeonghan waited until Seokmin was out of sight before he continued.

“Okay squad we have a little situation here!” Jeonghan said, walking back and forth like a military leader, “It appears our young Joshua has developed a bit of a crush on one Lee Maizono, the bisexual icon he is.” Joshua’s neck became red as he hid his sweet features in his palms.

Everyone began cooing, crowding around the young boy, who was cowering in on himself nervously. Jeonghan saw this and shooed them all away, wrapping a comforting arm around his ‘little brother’.

“How are we gonna make it happen?” Chan squeaked, the gears in his mind already turning deliciously. Jeonghan smirked.

“I’m so glad you asked, young one!” Jeonghan turned to Joshua, looking him up and down, parting a bit of his hair here, wiping a bit of his face there. “Time to begin ‘Operation: Get Joshua a Lady-Friend’” Jeonghan pointed forward at nothing, everyone staring at him. He slowly lowered his arm as everyone turned their attention to Minghao and Jun.

“So we need a plan.” Jun said, Minghao nodding passionately beside him. “How about we get Seokmin to bring her over and then Joshua can talk her up?” Jun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, making Minghao hit him in the arm. The two laughed together while the rest of the group turned to debate the idea.

“It’s too simple,” Soonyoung said, “we can’t have Joshua talk to his first ever girlfriend like THAT!” Joshua looked around nervously as the other’s cheered in agreement.

“Do I get a say in this?” Joshua asked, his voice small and weak. A chorus of ‘no’s’ came back from the over-excited crowd and Jeonghan clamped a hand roughly on the younger’s shoulder.

“Just wait it out Shua, they’ll get tired of it soon.” Jeonghan’s laugh tinkled through Joshua’s ears, lending him momentary comfort.

 

“I got it!” Seungcheol exclaimed, almost falling as he stood on the bleachers. Everyone’s attention snapped toward the boy, including Jeonghan. “How bout we like put someone up to make fun of Maizono and then Joshua can come in and be a hero!” A mixed chorus of joyous ‘yes’s and appalled ‘no’s came from the group. The older boys realizing that it was completely immoral to send a tough guy to make fun a freshman girl, while the younger’s just wanted to see it happen.

“Okay, so we’re NOT gonna do that,” Wonwoo said, glancing at some of the boy’s disappointed faces.

“How about we just call Seokmin?” Seungkwan suggested, pulling out his phone, “He’s her brother after all, he’d probably know best.”

“What if he’s protective over her?” Vernon said, trying to snatch the phone out of his boyfriend’s hand.

“Too late!” Seungkwan said as the phone clicked on, a tone ringing through the ‘stadium’.

“Hello? Seungkwan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any ideas about Joshua getting the girl pls tell me cuz im awful with this stuff and need help!!!


	17. Oh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maizono sneaks back into the 13 boys lives, Wonwoo gets an email from the lacrosse coach

Maizono snuck back into the thirteen boys lives much sooner than any of them would have expected. The group was sitting together at lunch, no troubles seemed to be on any of their minds, Wonwoo was sitting, snuggled into Mingyu’s side, a book spread out in front of him, the stress he had associated with eating long ago near dissipated in his boyfriend’s arms.

Joshua was silently listening to Jeonghan, who was adamantly complaining about the amount of homework he had due the next day that he had yet to even begin. A light smirk was playing at the young boys face, the day was warm, and a cold drink sat in front of him, tiny drops of condensation forming on the clean glass. He had done all his homework a while ago, a habit drilled into him at a young age by his father, which had left him quite relaxed for the rest of the upcoming weekend. Or so he thought.

 

“Joshua?” He heard a voice, light and airy, say. He peeked his head up, liking the way the voice made his name float so gently. A girl was standing before him, Maizono. Her hair was dyed a soft pink, something that spoke a bit to her standing in the school, only the girls in Ailee’s circle were allowed to have pink hair. She was short, maybe 5’3, 5’4? Her confident stance made her appear taller though, especially since Joshua was slouched down in his seat.

Joshua nodded fervently, unsure of how else to respond. A smile broke through Maizono’s pursed lips, showing off her blindingly white teeth. 

“Hi, I was wondering, Joshua, are you free this weekend?” A soft blush spread on Maizono’s cheeks, reaching up to her temples. Joshua thought it was cute. Joshua also had been stuck in the same position, his mouth gaping open, for a solid five seconds. The sharp tip of Minghao’s elbow in his ribs brought Joshua out of his trance. 

“Yeah, yeah, I mean like I have to check, but I mean I’m pretty sure because like what else would I have to do, you know? I guess actually you don’t know cause you don’t really know me but yeah I’m free can I have your number?” Joshua rambled, wanting to bang his head on the table in front of him.

Maizono just giggled a little, something Joshua had no idea people ACTUALLY did in real life but holy crap was that cute!

“Yeah, here you go,” Maizono said, handing Joshua a little folded up piece of paper, “I’ll text you the deets.” Joshua took the paper and watched as the girl shrugged and strutted back to a table filled with pink-headed girls.

 

Everyone just stared for a minute, silently congratulating their honorary little brother. It was, of course, Jeonghan that broke the seal of silence first. He leaped onto the younger, attacking him with playful punches and kind words.

Joshua smiled as more followed. He hardly took note of Seokmin sitting with his arms folded, glowering at the boy.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mingyu walked in on Wonwoo sitting on his bed, staring at his phone anxiously. He chuckled a bit, collapsing on the sheets next to his boyfriend.

“What’re you looking at?” He asked trying to steal the phone away from the shorter, who yanked it back.

“I got an email from the lacrosse coach!!!” Wonwoo said, his voice shaky. Mingyu ran a hand through Wonwoo’s hair, watching as a few loose strands fell to the floor.

“C’mon, Jun said you were great, don’t worry I’m sure you made it.” Mingyu comforted. Wonwoo snapped his head around to the boy abruptly.

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT BITCH!” Wonwoo said very aggressively, spitting in his boyfriend’s face (nothing new ;)).

“No I do.”

“How?”

 

“Because I just opened the email while you were distracted. Congratulations babe! You made Varsity!” Wonwoo’s eyes went straight to his phone, where there was, in fact, a list of Varsity players that included his name.

Mingyu held his ears as his boyfriend shrieked, probably breaking a couple sound barriers. 

Wonwoo leapt onto the taller, attacking him with kisses everywhere, Mingyu gratefully accepted them, even reciprocating with a few of his own.

Soon, Wonwoo was pressed against the bed, Mingyu towering over him, pressing his own lips violently against the smaller’s soft skin, leaving red marks that would disappear in a weeks time.

Wonwoo arched upward to meet him halfway, biting his lip joyfully. He raised his hands to brush through the taller's thick locks.

“Wonwoo?” A familiar voice said, making him stop in his tracks. Wonwoo pushed his boyfriend off with minimal effort, the two of them sitting up, panting

“Oh,” Wonwoo said, slicking his hair back with a hand, “hi dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELP! ME! THINK! OF! WHAT! THEY! SHOULD! DO! FOR! A! DATE!!!
> 
> also, I was trying to make it so that Maizono was like a mixture of tough and cute, like I feel like tough girls don't usually get to also be portrayed as cute so I tried to do both but idk if it worked.
> 
> Also sry for the long wait but hey! I got a boyfriend *shrug*


	18. Just in Case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshono goes on a first date. Wonwoo's dad pays a visit.

About 2 hours and many stages of panic later and Joshua found himself crowded into the a small dorm with ten other boys, Mingyu and Wonwoo nowhere to be found. Jeonghan was hurrying around like a frantic father trying to find the right shirt for his son to wear on a first date.

Seokmin was seated on Joshua’s bed, head in his hands, and kept sighing intermittently. Everyone had sort of learned to ignore him after the first twenty minutes. 

Jihoon and Chan were sorting through the colognes stacked on the young boy’s bedside, a collection of the group’s finest, and kept spraying them in the air, leaving a rather unpleasant scent. 

“Ok so Joshua, we have to go over how to act,” Minghao said, leaning on Jun a little for support, being extra tired the last few days for reasons everyone knew but no one wanted to mention, “Like you know, proper date etiquette?” Joshua just stared at the group for a second before they all started talking at once.

“So open every door for her.”

“Be polite.”

“Pay for whatever you need to.”

“Hand holding is fine.”

“But no kissing!” This one was added by a slightly aggressive Seokmin.

“Be flirty but not too forward.”

"But still a little forward."

"And not too flirty!"

Before he knew it, Joshua was sitting on the floor, his head tucked between his knees, a hand stroking his hair and urging him to peek his head back out. Jeonghan was sitting in front of him, holding out a small pill and glass of water while simultaneously scolding the other boys.

“Shut up would ya!!!” He whisper shouted at the still murmuring boys, “Here take this, you’ll feel better.” Jeonghan shoved the pill into his hand and set the water on the floor. Joshua nodded, tipping his head up and swallowing the capsule dry, a habit Jeonghan did not approve of.

The young boy shook his head, blinking a few times before standing, a hand gripped around his upper arm, just in case.

“I’m good, don’t worry about it.” He said, earning internal groans from his friends that were aware of how completely not good he was. 

Looking at the time, Jeonghan grabbed his car keys and tugged Joshua’s sleeve to urge him along. The pair bid their farewells and hurried down the halls to the girls corridors, where they knocked impatiently on door 326.

A strong scent of vanilla and lilies rushed toward them when the door swung open, revealing a stunning Maizono, her long cherry hair curled around her shoulders, contacts in her eyes turning them a horrifyingly wonderful blue. She grinned and it reached Joshua’s own lips, them curling around his prematurely forming frown lines.

The three walked to Jeonghan’s car, the eldest leading the way while the other two trailed behind, laughing about some stupid joke Joshua had made.

It was easy, and it was fun...just like it should be.

 

The aquarium was next to empty when they arrive. Jeonghan parked the car and pulled out a book, saying he’ll be there when they want to leave, not the best chaperone.

The two scurry in on their short legs, Joshua opening all the heavy doors as instructed. Maizono smiled at him often, that was the first thing he took note of, the way her face turned the same shade as her hair when she was happy. It was cute.

The two stopped in front of a large tank, fish the size of their heads were floating around lazily, mostly just doing what fish do.

“Do you think they know they’re not free?” Joshua asked, it came out of nowhere but suddenly he needed an answer.

“That’s a good question,” Maizono said, tapping her temple, “I don’t hear a lot of those nowadays.” Joshua looked at her but she was still gazing at the tank.

“Don’t hear a lot of what? Questions?” 

“Dear God no,” She chuckled, “I hear far too many of those, but none of them seem to be very good.” Joshua looked back at the tank to see a fish in a frenzy, its flippers moving rapidly, far faster than what should be natural.

“Thanks then, I guess.” a hand made it's way toward him, slipping it's fingers between his.

"You, are very welcome."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So is this why you couldn’t make it home today?” Wonwoo shifted under his father’s gaze, the couple was still on the bed but in a much more decent position. He shook his head.

“No that’s not why.” Wonwoo answered, keeping his voice low, not wanting to wake anything in front of his boyfriend.

“You’re a terrible brother,” His father said, eyes piercing through skin. “Always was, that doesn’t end.” His words cut sharper than any pain Wonwoo had ever felt.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Wonwoo whispered. Mingyu had never seen the shorter so subdued, it scared him.

“You should tell that to your mother, should have seen her. It was pathetic, all the crying.” A twinge of guilt and something else twisted at Wonwoo’s gut.

“I’ll call her later.” Wonwoo’s fingers twisted in his hands, Mingyu noticed and knotted them in his own.

“Couldn’t even make it to your own sister’s memorial, and for what? To screw some guy? I thought higher of you.” A short shake of his head followed.

“I’ll make it next year, or some year when you're not there.” It was quiet, so soft that even Mingyu could barely hear. But he did. And so did his father.

“What the fuck makes you think you can give me that sort of disrespect boy?!!” He stepped forward and Wonwoo jumped up, Mingyu alongside him, slightly in front of his boyfriend, just in case.

“What? It’s not like there’s not going to be another one next year. And the year after that. And after that. And for the rest of eternity. She’s kinda going to be gone forever, I don’t think one year equals much in eternity. I’ll make it next year.” Everyone was silent. A pin could have dropped and it would have sounded like a missile. The eldest eyed both boys, his gaze trying and filing to break through their combined armor.

“You look terrible by the way.” Wonwoo’s father took a sharp, stabbing glare at the both of them and stormed out, noticeably distressed.

 

Wonwoo collapsed on his bed, emotionally exhausted. Mingyu flung himself on top, careful not to crush any bones. Wonwoo tilted his chin to glance at the taller, who was doing the same. Their bodies started shaking before any sound came out of either of their mouths. Then it was full out, the room rumbled with boisterous laughter, for the first time in ages. They were shortly interrupted by a small squeak of a voice coming from their doorway.

“I think I’m in love.” A young Joshua said, his hair all messed up, a hand laying over his chest dramatically. Mingyu grinned, making eye contact with the boy under him.

“Yeah, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, and I come back with this piece of crap. I got dumped so I wrote this. Don't want pity. Want sleep. Can't sleep. So write. Hope you enjoy. Thank you. Comment what you think. Not bout drama. Love content comment. Yes.


	19. I'll Let You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan and Seungcheol have a talk, Wonwoo and Mingyu go on a date.

“Jeonghan,” said a voice, coming from the just beside him, the boy didn’t have to look to know who it belonged to, “can we talk?” Jeonghan didn’t bother to glance up, they had been down this road before many times. It just never seemed to end well for him.

“Go away, please.” The two were close enough that Seungcheol could hear his whispers. He didn’t listen, he didn't want to listen. There was something that needed to get off his chest.

“Jeonghan you have to listen to me, just for a second.” Jeonghan said nothing in response, and Seungcheol took this as a sign to keep talking. He wanted to sit on the bed, be closer to this boy he was talking to, closer to his warmth, close enough to smell the constant twinge of smoke on him. But he couldn’t do that, and it hurt.

“Jisoo had a miscarriage.” The words left Seungcheol’s lips before he could stop them and Jeonghan’s head was already twisted upright, staring pathetically into the chocolate eyes of his only love. He looked so hopeful for a second, but like a tsunami, the waves of sadness came tumbling back over his eyes in just a blink.

“You hurt me Cheolie.” Jeonghan murmured, almost as if he didn’t want to say it, like only if he said it would it really be true. 

“I know that, and I’m so fucking sorry I don’t even know what to do with myself.” Seungcheol sat on the bed, Jeonghan tensed up a bit but made no move to get up.

“That doesn’t go away, this doesn’t fix that.” Jeonghan scooched closer to the boy’s presence, like a magnet was drawing him in.

“I know that, I didn’t think it would.” They were so close that their scents were mingling, mint with nicotine, oddly appealing. They couldn’t look at each other, not yet, but Jeonghan could feel the cool breath on his neck and it sent shivers down his spine.

“Nothing can.” Seungcheol shook his head in agreement before thinking better of it. Jeonghan looked up when he got no response.

“This might.” Their lips connected, Jeonghan sunk into the feeling like a drug addict shooting up for the first time in months. They were needy, their bodies pressed as tightly against each other as possible. Jeonghan’s hands ran across the smooth fabric of Seungcheol’s clothes, just wanting to feel every inch of him before they were ripped from each other yet again. Seuncheol’s hands were combing through the elder’s thick hair, trying their best not to grab a handful and yank. Not yet anyway, it wasn’t the time. This kiss was sweet, it was a welcome home from war kiss, a congratulations on surviving kiss. Something that it’s so sick that there’s a need to celebrate it, but you celebrate it anyway. Because you want to. And you need to. And you’re just so happy it’s all over why not have a huge fucking party. 

The two broke apart, chests heaving not from lack of oxygen, but more like too much. It was as if they had been holding their breath for months and months and months, and all of a sudden they took a big gulp of air, and it was almost too much for their lungs to handle, but they loved it too much to stop.

Seungcheol leaned back in a bit but Jeonghan tilted his head down so his lips only hit the elder’s forehead. Jeonghan’s head fell into his hands and he hiccuped.

“What the fuck are we doing Cheolie?” Jeonghan scoffed, refusing to look up even for a second, “You broke my heart and like a goddamn idiot here I am again, giving up the remains. How stupid do I have to be?” Jeonghan’s voice broke on the last part and he could have jumped out the window right there and then, he hated people seeing him cry, especially when they were the reason.

“Hey,” A voice, soft, and gentle, and comforting, lifted his eyes from their resting spot, “don’t cry, I’m not going to hurt you again, I promise.” Arms wrapped around Jeonghan’s frame, which was long, but rather thin, and easy to hug. Sobs wracked through his frame and he allowed them to, he allowed himself to be weak.

“Yes you will,” He whispered, curling himself into a ball, “and I’m okay with that.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I want to take you on a date.” 

It had come out of nowhere, Mingyu himself wasn’t even quite sure where the words had originated, not that he regretted saying them. Still, both the boys were left just staring at each other in shock. It was a few seconds before the taller regained his senses and managed to nod, confirming his statement.

“Where?” Wonwoo asked, stars making the night in his dark eyes. Mingyu shrugged.

“Wherever I want,” The taller chuckled and stood up, “c’mon, go get dressed! I’m gonna take you out on a date!” Wonwoo stood up with him and giggled.

“Right now?” He asked in disbelief.

“Right now!” Wonwoo nodded and scurried off to his room, heart beating fast in his chest. It was strange how nervous he still could get around his boyfriend. Crazy how love does that to you.

The boy created a hurricane in his room, throwing clothes onto chairs and books trying to find the right outfit. He knew Jeonghan would beat his ass to Mississippi later that night, but that wasn’t important at the moment. The only thing that really mattered was he and Mingyu were going to go on a date, a real one, and they’d look pretty, and be nervous, and hold hands, and that was all that mattered in the whole world. Just for that night.

 

Wonwoo didn’t knock before he walked through the door, he wish he had when he caught a glimpse of Mingyu’s wrist before his sleeve was fully pulled down. A thick scar ran all the way down his arm along with a million tiny cuts lining up and down the forearm, some were fresh, but not as many as he feared there would be, not enough to mention until later. It could wait.

Pretending he had just arrived, Wonwoo tapped his knuckles against the wood a couple of times. Mingyu twirled around and danced his way over to the shorter, pressing a soft kiss on the dry lips.

“Where are you taking me?” Wonwoo asked, grinning so widely his face was in danger of splitting open. Mingyu shrugged and put a finger over his mouth, vowing to keep a secret until they arrived. Wonwoo rolled his eyes and snuggled close, gripping the taller's arm until they were outside.

They hadn’t walked long when Mingyu stopped and sat, barely fifteen minutes actually. They were on a bridge, just above a lake, with lily pads, and frogs, and flowers. The shorter leaned into Mingyu’s side, allowing the younger to take him in his arms.

 

“This is my favorite place.” Mingyu said, his eyes sweeping the landscape before him until they settled on the boy beside him. “It’s even better now that you’re here too.” Wonwoo smiled, he was thankful for the night hiding his blush.

 

“Stop hurting yourself Gyu.” Wonwoo said, a simple request, he thought, one that came as a shock to neither of them.

“I’m trying my best for you, I’ve gotten better you know, I don’t do it specifically to self harm you know, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that.” Wonwoo shook his head, urging on his boyfriend, “The cuts come when I want to kill myself, it’s when I start to and then just stop, because I know I can’t, or I know it’s not the time, or I don’t want to let you down. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice was monotonous through the whole thing, and that scared Wonwoo, how numb his boyfriend seemed to be.

“It’s okay Gyu, it’s always going to be okay. I just need you to talk to me, let me in when you want to do that shit and I’ll help.” Wonwoo rubbed the tallers arm, resting his head back on his bicep. “Just let me know.” The taller nodded, something brewing deep at the pit of his stomach, something he couldn’t quite make out.

“Okay,” Mingyu said, “I’ll let you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i really don't know why I started crying while writing the first part, guess I'm just emotional *shrug*


	20. You Get Better, I Get Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HAHA just when you thought I gave up on this fic
> 
> Crappy chapter as usual but oh wells whatcha gonna do, also kinda sad, maybe, if I wrote it well enough, I like the idea for the next one better if I actually get around to writing it or if anyone is even still interested in this

It was foolish of Wonwoo to think that he had managed to get through to Mingyu in those three simple words the night before. It was foolish of Wonwoo to think he had made any difference in Mingyu’s mental state, any cracks in the concrete. And it was foolish of Wonwoo to think that he could help someone walk when they didn’t even want to stand.

The first few days Mingyu didn’t get out of bed, everyone just thought he was coming down with something, he wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even Wonwoo, so they just assumed a sore throat was his anti-muse. It was the fourth day of his sleep, staying prone in his bed, when they were more than seriously concerned for his health. Jeonghan was even suggesting they call the nurse to the dorms to check on him, or at least get him an excused absence, but that notion was quickly shot down for multiple reasons. 

The group of thirteen didn’t know what to do.

They all had different methods and ideas to get him out of bed, most of which he would barely glance at. Minghao and Wonwoo made cookies, chocolate chip, his favorite, funny how they seemed to be the best bakers of the group. Despite spending hours slaving away at the oven in the middle of the night, and the additional time it took to convince the head lunch lady to allow them access to the facilities (being rich had its perks) Mingyu couldn’t do anything but lightly groan and flip around when the steaming plate was presented to him. At least Seokmin seemed to enjoy the cookies.

Jeonghan took a more therapeutic approach to the issue at hand. Instead of taking a group to bombard the poor boy in his bed, he went alone, sitting on the rumpled sheets as far away as he could muster being. Sliding a carton of cigarettes his way, the boy gently pressed the promise of simply being there into the younger's skull. Mingyu never touched the sticks and Jeonghan resorted to picking them up and smoking them himself after a few days.

Seungcheol went with Joshua and Dino, much to Jeonghan’s chagrin at the man stealing his honorary little brother. The three of them brought card games and loud laughter, never ending conversation filled Mingyu’s ears. They didn’t do much to help his state but the boy found himself sinking into their gentle words even if it was just for a bit, he allowed himself to fully relax. He never played the card games himself or even lifted himself up higher than an inch, but the three boys could tell by the lessening of the glaze in his eyes that the pain had subsided by a fraction for the short time.

Jihoon and Jun went with Seokmin, both content to be labeled as emotional support as the man listed off his grievances from the past week. Very few people in the large group questioned his motives, they all understood that sometimes it could help just listening to someone else’s problems for a little bit. Everyone felt a little lighter when Seokmin left the room, taking Jihoon and Jun with him. He felt better for getting everything off his chest and the rest of the boys felt glad to lend an open ear.

Soonyoung, Vernon, and Seungkwan were the last ones to visit the boy grieving himself, they brought with them nothing, not an idea, not a notion, not a prop they could distract him with. They brought only themselves. 

“Mingyu” It was Seungkwan that spoke first, uncharacteristically serious. A head was tilted toward him and he took it as a sign to go ahead. “You need to get up now, it’s been long enough.” Everyone in the room could literally see the poor boy shut down on himself, his head sinking further into the sea of pillows Wonwoo and Jeonghan had taken special care to arrange. 

A slap to the arm from his boyfriend was more than enough to get Seungkwan ready to glue his mouth shut permanently.

“At least say something Gyu, you can’t leave us in the dark forever, we need to know how to help you.” Soonyoung peered around in the brown orbs before him, taking his own little vacation. It was when Mingyu’s iris’ softened a bit that he decided to go for the kill. 

“Please?”

Mingyu let out a breath it sounded like he had been holding in for years, his face visibly less distressed than it had been a moment before. He nodded. Sweet and simple enough to leave the boys ready to break out in a cheerleading routine.

 

“Can you get Wonwoo for me?” His voice was scratchy from underuse but the second his lips parted Vernon was lounging for his phone, dialing the now familiar number. The other two boys sat on the bed, Brushing Mingyu’s hair out of his eyes and holding his hand while distracting from the hushed conversation on the other side of the room.

Wonwoo burst through the door not eight minutes later. He shooed the others out of the room and scooped a now upright Mingyu into his arms. He tried not to notice the shaking, and the wetness spreading through the fabric on the back of his t shirt. It didn’t matter. 

Wonwoo pulled the sobbing boy away from his body for a split second to get a good look at him, he looked the same. Inexplicably that relieved Wonwoo, he didn’t know if he had expected his boyfriend to change in the short window of time, but a huge weight was taken off his shoulders when he saw he hadn’t.

“You’ve gotten skinnier,” Those were the first words Mingyu had uttered to him in days. A faint blush ran up Wonwoo’s cheeks. “I didn’t know that was possible.” The blush spread to his neck, and sweat beaded around his face in the additional heat. “You look like you’re about the die.” He felt like it too.

“I’ve been stressed.” Guilt pooled at both their stomachs for making the other worry so much. Mingyu simply nodded.

“I have a proposition for you.” His voice was beginning to even out from the steady usage. Wonwoo urged him on softly. “You get better, I get better.”

A caterpillar of confusion hung at his brow. The boy subconsciously stuck two fingers around his bony wrist. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He wasn’t sure if it was a question or a confrontation.

Mingyu shrugged.

“Exactly what it sounds like.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not many notes but hopefully this wasn't confusing because I took such a long break, it was for no reason, I just forgot this existed. If anyone is still actually reading this then THANK YOU SO MUCH WHY!!!?!??!? But also don't forget to comment, comments mean so much more to me, even if it's just criticism, than begging for kudos, so I'll just beg for comments instead.


	21. Satisfaction Brought it Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learn a little more about Joshua's background

Maizono had expressed her want to learn more about Joshua’s past in multiple instances in the limited amount of times they had hung out together. He had taken her to the aquarium and she asked if he could swim. The park and she asked if he had any siblings. The pet shelter to comfort crying pups and she asked the name of his first pet. Stargazing and she asked what his hopes and dreams were. 

He knew he should tell her his story at some point, tell her why any time she touched him unexpectedly he would flinch so hard, tell her why sometimes his breathing would pick up and he would have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes, tell her why he refused to go somewhere where too many people would be crowding him and every push against his skin felt like knives, or even tell her why, after so many months of working so hard to get better, each piece of food entering his mouth set off a tally in his brain, and a clamminess in his hands.

He didn’t know where or how, but he knew he couldn’t be at the dorms anymore, the entire group was practically mourning the loss of someone who wasn’t even close to being gone. The whole situation just made him annoyed, not so much at Mingyu, but more so at himself. He couldn’t help and he couldn’t cry, so he just had to be. Possibly one of the worst things anyone could do if you asked him.

The road leading up to the school seemed like a nice place. It was a solid mile or two walk from any of the dorms, it wouldn’t take the two more than a half hour to get there before he could let a breath out and start talking.

So, about two days after Mingyu and Wonwoo had their ‘little talk’ as Jeonghan liked to refer to it as around Joshua whenever the younger would ask why on earth the boys were crying so much these days, Joshua took Maizono outside of the school. She skipped along, happy to rant about how annoying Lisa was being, or how Jackson didn’t know how to act around his new girlfriend that she wouldn’t bother learning the name of since she would be gone by the weekend, and Joshua was equally as happy to simply listen, take in the sweet fire of her voice and allow her simple complaints to wash over him with the ease she uttered them.

“I want to tell you something.” He said it too quickly, he cut her off, he was being rude but it was too late to stop at that point. Somehow the redhead managed to close her mouth and stop for a second, her eyes wide as she stared at the boy in front of her.

“Go ahead.” Her voice was soft, it held a twinge of pity that Joshua both loathed and relished.

“I’m an only child.” He sat on the curb of the road and took a break so long Maizono wasn’t sure if he was still collecting his thoughts, or if that was the only thing he wanted to say.

“I was never happy in my entire life,” he finally continued, “at some point my mother must have deemed me as a mistake because since I was around seven she could never look me in the eye. I still love her, and I don’t doubt that somewhere deep down she loves me a little bit, but needless to say, we’ve never been close.” He needed air, it was the most he had ever said about his family so calmly to anyone but Jeonghan. 

A soft hand held his.

“And your father?” Her voice was kind like honey, he wanted to fall into it, he wanted to trust it.

A deep, shuddering breath urged him forward weekly. One foot in front of the other, metaphorically speaking. He could do this.

“He’s always acted like he loved me. He would brag to his friends about his son, ‘Joshua the magnificent’ they would call me. That was all nice and good, I could have gotten used to it even. A mother that ignored me and a father that praised me coldly to friends. It was comfortable. But when I would mess up….” Another palm pressed gently against his back and all fear that maybe she wouldn’t want to hear about his problems anymore, that maybe she wouldn’t care, just dissipated. 

“He would usually try to keep it controlled to one area, my stomach or thighs or somewhere else I could hide. Still, the limping made teachers wary. He wouldn’t go for the face unless he was really angry, then at least the teachers would really have something to worry about.” a dry chuckle sent worry careening through Maizono’s chest, “After grandma died he was at his worst, she had always taught him like he taught me and then she died. I guess he saw himself in her rotting corpse and got scared. Or maybe he wanted to frighten me into growing up and taking care of him well enough that he would never die. Either way it doesn’t matter, he took out his frustration on me. Almost every night, endless torture and pain and studying and sports and banquets and meeting with friends and piano lessons and French lessons and table etiquette and then one day it was over.” He didn’t know if tears had sprung loose yet but he supposed it didn’t matter all that much, his face felt numb from the cold anyway. He didn’t know if he should continue. Didn’t know if she would want to hear the gory details of what happened next. Didn’t know.Didn’t know.Didn’t know.Didn’t know.Didn’t know.Didn’t know.Didn’t know.Didn’t know.

“What happened?” He struck back to reality like a lightning bolt. Why did she care about him so much like this? Any other person he knew besides Jeonghan would have let it drop, let him soak in his own misery. Why was she so inquisitive? Didn’t she know it was curiosity that killed the cat?

“I passed out, they had to call the ambulance. The doctors told my mom I was starving myself and she cried. I don’t know why. It’s not like she cared when he left. My dad was furious. He said I infected myself with a disease for girls. They sent me to therapy for a couple months before carting me off here, they said it would be good for me to be in control of my own life I guess. I hate that it looks like they were right. That’s not what happened.” He hadn’t told anyone this before, some of it remained a mystery to even Jeonghan at this point. Why could he tell her?

“Then what happened?” So many questions.

“I was sick, Seungcheol and Jeonghan saw that. They became my makeshift parents of a sort, they sat with me until I ate a bit of dinner, they made sure I had plenty of water, they snuck in snacks and coaxed me to eat a bit before I fell asleep, they cared about me. You know, before they stopped caring about each other.” The air was heavy, suffocating the students on the side of the road. “They helped me, like you help me.” It was a bold move but Maizono just smiled a bit.

“You’re still skinny.” That was all she said, it was all she needed to say.

“I guess I’m still a little bit sick, loads better than I was before though. If you think I have no muscle now just imagine.” He smirked and the air around them opened enough that they could move. Maizono scooched closer.

“I think you’re fine just the way you are.” It was final, she left no room for the debate in Joshua’s eyes when her own were roaming his body like that. He wanted to curl in on himself, didn’t want her looking at him and thinking of how much better he would be if he was a little skinnier, how much more she would like him. He almost regretted telling her anything at all.

That is, until pink lips found his. She was close enough that he could smell her scent, clinging to her skin and to her hair and to her. He swam in it, licking her lips and tasting the sugar coating them. His hand found her fiery locks and soon they were tangled together on the side of the road, praying that a car wouldn’t drive by.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh so you thought Maizono and Joshua were going to be the innocent couple? About that...


	22. Guess I'm Taking Care of You Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan and Seungcheol talk...again, I cock block them...again

Seungcheol had always been Jeonghan’s safe place. His chest broad and inviting. His hands warm and soft. He had gone to him when his parents finally decided they wanted as little to do with their son as possible, let his best friend at the time pull him into a comforting hug, rubbing his back as sobs racked his body. He went to him whenever being the eldest got to be too much, when everyone’s issues started weighing him down, heavier than his own. He let Seungcheol listen to his complaints, watch as his body shook with the fear that maybe he wasn’t as helpful as he thought he was. Seungcheol had always been Jeonghan’s safe place. So Jeonghan had to wonder when his embrace had begun to feel more like a cage than anything else.

The cold air biting at Jeonghan’s fragile skin left him shivering in one of Seungcheol’s sweatshirts, the smell intoxicating him beyond belief. A hand, strong and sure, was carding through his hair, thinning from stress and the nicotine in his system decreasing his appetite. 

“I’m worried about Gyu and Wonwoo,” The voice came from above him, the uncharacteristic wavers sent shivers down Jeonghan’s curved spine. How dare he be worried about them, how dare he do that when the only thing he had ever done to help either of them was to shove some of the kids in the back of his car on their way to the hospital whenever Mingyu needed it. “It’s not good when two people so fucked end up relying on each other like that.” 

Hands gripped the pale blue sheets beneath him, his knuckles a stark white contrast. It was all he could do to keep calm. God, he needed a smoke so bad. It weakly played on his mind that he could have a problem, an addiction of sorts, but truth be told, that problem was the least of his problems if it kept him calm enough to stay out of physical fights. Note: physical.

“Isn’t that kind of what’s going on with us?” It was a risk to say something so dangerous in such a safe way. His voice didn’t break, it remained confident as he spoke. He didn’t know if that knocked Seungcheol off kilter a bit but he really hoped it did. The man looked down at him like he had grown a few extra heads in the past fifteen seconds.

“We’re not relying on each other,” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, like if Jeonghan hadn’t left him that very moment for good he wouldn’t have gone right ahead and killed himself, “and besides I’m not fucked up.” He said it to be funny, it was clear in his tone that he wanted to tease the elder, but the strain in his voice said something different. Something he didn’t want to say outright. Something along the lines of ‘I’m genuinely so terrified of being as fucked up as the rest of you that I’m going to deny it for as long as you’ll let me.’ Or something like that.

“Seungcheol I don’t think you seem to realize that I’m currently huddled in your sweatshirt, our legs our tangled together, and I’ve been using your toothbrush for the past like week."

Soft lips pressed against his chapped ones a little too hard to be sweet.

“That means nothing.” He was trying to convince himself again, the strain was back. It didn’t do anything but drive an ice pick through Jeonghan’s chest. He wanted to arch his back up, lean into the kiss like he had been so desperately craving to, but first he needed to talk.

“Seungcheol one time Chan tried to take over for the cleanup at a picnic and you had a panic attack. You sobbed for hours to me because if you couldn’t be in control then what could you do. That’s why this whole situation has been messing with you, it’s finally me in control.” He tried his best to keep a light tone throughout his minuscule speech, but bitterness had crept out of his throat by the end. The boys were tired, they were so desperately tired in a way that sleep couldn’t even try to touch. So they clung to each other. Seungcheol said nothing for a while, he tightened his grip around Jeonghan’s hips, turned his strokes through his (boy?)friends hair slower and softer. 

“Why did you change the way you say my name?” It was so quiet and distant that for a moment Jeonghan wondered if the other boy had even meant to say it out loud. A pointed look to the top of his head told him an answer was required.

“I didn’t know I had.” That wasn’t the entire truth and they both knew it. Jeonghan really didn’t know he had said the boy’s name differently, but he had known it was more of a chore to force it out, made the twang in his chest a little sharper when he had to choke out the all too crisp syllables. 

“You used to say it like it was your favorite word,” the fingers in Jeonghan’s hair disappeared, “now you sound like Minghao when he talks about his favorite food.” It was a good analogy, it worked almost perfectly. The favorite food of an anorexic, something they loved that caused them so much pain. There was one thing wrong though, in Seungcheol’s analogy it wasn’t the food that had done anything wrong.

“You hurt me Cheolie,” he opted for saying the nickname this time, it made things hurt a little less, “more than I think you can ever know.” He looked down, there was a scar on his index finger on his left hand from where he tried to put out a cigarette. Vaguely he wondered if the reason no one brought it up was similar to why they never brought up Mingyu’s scars when the heat was too sluggish to wear anything but a tank top. He hoped not. 

“Sometimes I wonder why I even decided to take you back at all.” There we go, this had certainly peeked Seungcheol’s interest, his eyes snapped open and suddenly he was on high alert. “All you’ve done to me is cause pain, you make it hard to go to sleep and even harder to wake up.” If he wasn’t mistaken, Jeonghan thought he saw guilt dance at Jeonghan’s eyes. He waited for a moment, took pleasure in watching someone else’s pain for once.

“But then I remember all the good things,” their hands fit so easily with each others, the crooks sliding in all the right places, fusing together as one, “I remember how you’ve always been there for me since we were younger, I remember how you would take care of me when I was upset, I remember how concerned you were when I started smoking, I remember the fun times, like when we went to the carnival and kissed on top of the ferris wheel because you had always seen it in movies and claimed it was a lifelong dream of yours, or when I won you one of those cute little fish in a bag and you named it Eternity because you were just that cheesy back then but then it died a week later and I made fun of you for months.” He hadn’t realized he was crying until someone was wiping the tears away. “I remember all of that and realize that there’s nothing you could do to make me stop loving you the way I do.”

Foreheads pressed together softly, their eyes were closed but they both knew the other was smiling through their tears. How could they not be, what with being so foolishly in love and all.

Neither could be sure who moved first but the one thing they knew for sure was their lips clumsily clashed against one another much too soon. Seungcheol was gripping his shoulders, fingernails like claws digging into the delicate skin. Rough bruises were littering his pale stomach, and thighs, and neck, and…

He slithered back up to Jeonghan’s head, they had no time for soft kisses, lips barely touching, they needed each other now. Tongues slipped over tongues and hands fumbled around and teeth bit and sucked until they both were maroon and pink all over. They were desperate and in love, there was nothing that could stop them nothing at all.

Jeonghan didn’t realize he was still crying and Seungcheol didn’t think it mattered enough to stop what they were doing.

It was Jeonghan that threw his hand into the bedside table next to him looking for a condom and took it back letting out a huge shriek, which Seungcheol assumed was from pleasure. He assumed wrong as within five seconds he was being thrown off the other boy with only one hand.

“Owowowowowowowowowowoowwoowowoowowowowow Cheolie OW it hurts!” Jeonghan was breathing too much and too hard, he was clutching a rather mangled looked hand in his fist and writhing around the bed in pain. Seungcheol was scared the man was going to fall off because he sat him upright and forced him to look into his eyes. The brown orbs helped him focus, helped him snap out of the excruciating pain that was throbbing in his right hand. 

“I’m going to call an ambulance and then Joshua, okay?” He spoke slowly, like Jeonghan was a child and not a senior in highschool, half a year away from graduating. Still, the elder nodded like a toddler, his lip pushed out and salty liquid streaming down his face. He listened as the boy talked on the phone, a little too calmly for the situation at hand. (ha get it) 

He could only catch snippets of the conversation as he faded in and out of the terrors in his body, 

“Yeah he’s fine otherwise…”

“Mission...Boarding Schoo…”

“Joshua! Come….his room...immediately...ride….ambulance...us…”

Their door was practically being broken down when Joshua came in with two men and a wheelchair. Joshua took the uninjured hand as he helped his elder into the chair.

“Hey Hannie look at me,” He listened and instantly a weight in his chest was lifted, “Guess I’m taking care of you now.” He smirked.

That little shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I tried making this chapter a little longer to see if it would help with the pacing at all but I honestly have no idea if it's better or like worse or anything so if this was absolute shit please let me know because that would probably be really helpful if I was aware of it.


	23. How Sweet of Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof. Short but hopefully heart wrenching (if I wrote it well enough)

For what it’s worth, Wonwoo was trying his best. Mingyu was asking a lot of the boy, putting both of their well beings on his much too thin frame. It was hard when his own mind fought against him, every time he took a single step, the plague infecting his thoughts pushed back another twenty.

Mingyu was getting better at the very least. With a little coaxing from his friends he was able to fully get out of bed most days, going to brush his teeth or hair was practically rewarded with a party between the thirteen boys. On really good days Wonwoo or one of the others would take him and go to class for a little bit, not that it mattered much, if you paid the school enough you could really do whatever you wanted. Class wasn’t necessary, just another thing the rich had at their fingertips if they were bored enough. Still, it was an accomplishment for the boy and they were all undeniably proud of him.

 

Wonwoo couldn’t help be anything but happy for his boyfriend...really. It had been a while since he was able to function properly and now, with the assistance of a licensed Jeonghan, they were managing to get him up, going to therapy once a week (they brought the appointments closer after his episode). 

He could feel his chest burst with pride yet his stomach still growled in hunger. He hadn't eaten for nearly a week and he loved it. And he relished in it. And that was what one usually calls the beginning of the end.

At first he tried to lie; he ate with someone else, his stomach wasn’t feeling well, he’ll get something later. Mingyu saw through all of it. Every last lie. Like a curtain of water. Or a curtain of tears depending on who you asked.

Mingyu didn’t have to confront him about it in Wonwoo’s opinion, but in Mingyu’s he did. The boy looked worse than death, his skin was turning yellow and his hair was thinning all around the scalp. If he didn’t intervene his boyfriend was going to look like a geriatric before the age of eighteen.

There were so many better ways he could have gone about bringing it up though.

 

Sharp and long fingernails tore into the skin on his frail wrist. Flesh tore because of flesh. Or lack of it. Or a severe enough lack of it that it could really just be considered bones.

Eyes bore into every rib. Every exposed bone. He thought his irregularly beating heart nearly could have leapt right out of his concave chest. He wanted to fall to his knees. Beg for forgiveness. Cry out that he was sorry. Wail for him to stop. Most of all he wanted him to look away, avert his eyes from the mess of a human he was. The tears were already coming down to heavy to stop but it didn’t matter, Mingyu wasn’t going to try to wipe them away. It was good. He should be crying.

“You can’t lie to me like this Wonwoo.” His voice held none of the warmth that had been expected.

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, you have to believe me, just make it stop I’m so sorry, please Mingyu, please!” Snot was dripping from his nose, his voice was so sore and small, his chest shook with every breath and his fingers were gripping at his boyfriends shirt in a desperate attempt to make him leave and stay at the same time.

“I know you’re sorry Wonwoo but you’re killing yourself and you won’t stop, I’ve tried to help you, but you don’t want it.” His eyes were blurred through tears, but for all Wowoo knew the emotion they held was slim to none.

“I can stop.” The voice of a petulant child came from somewhere repressed inside of him. He wanted to apologize and scream and wasn’t sure which one to go with.

“You can’t,” A breath in, a thought crossing behind his eyes, “I’m sorry Wonwoo, but we can’t do this anymore, you need to stop dying before I can love you like I used to. Like I can in the future.”

 

Red.

 

Rage.

 

Get out.

 

GET OUT.

 

Wonwoo hoped he scared the boy with his anger, he really hoped that he showed that maybe Mingyu didn’t know him as well as he really thought he did. Didn’t love the person he thought he loved.

Blurriness danced before his vision but he wrote it off as the tears clouding his corneas. He couldn’t keep his thoughts straight.

A hand tore through the shelves holding pictures of the two of them before he could control it. It’s possible he wouldn’t have stopped it even if he could have. The sick satisfaction it gave him to watch the wooden frame bounce helplessly around the quieting carpet was a thrill. The grins they were holding in the picture twisted and morphed into something evil.

Something unimaginable.

How could that be him? Was that even him? It didn’t seem like it. Maybe it was him. Maybe it was Jeon Wonwoo. But it certainly wasn’t him. He was sure of it. The boy seemed so happy. The waist with an arm snaked around it wasn’t nearly skinny enough. The dark hair was too thick. The squinted eyes had the pudges of cheeks around them, and they were sparkling, not the dull black that had come to be known from the boy. 

Was that really him?

 

He heard the thump of his own body on the ground and distantly wondered how such a light thing could make such a loud sound. It didn’t matter much though because black was slowly but surely gathering around the edges of the room and a drowsiness was filling him stomach first.

“WONWOO!” 

Hmmm, didn’t that voice sound familiar? 

 

"WONWOO!"

 

Oh that's right.

 

"WONWOO PLEASE!"

 

How nice, Mingyu had decided to come back to see him off to heaven.

 

"Don't leave me."

 

Wasn’t that sweet of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this was short but can I say I'm dumb. The next few chapters are going to seem pretty random but I'm looking to tie them all together soon and some characters we haven't seen much of yet are going to get their own chapters. 
> 
> We're almost at the end of this thing, are you ready?


	24. So Done With Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junnie and Minghaooooo

If you were to ask Minghao what his favorite thing to do was he would give you a different answer for every period in his life.

When he was little it was play with toys.

When he got a little older it was hanging out with friends.

A few more years and the answer would be to starve himself, or work out, although he’d never actually have said it out loud.

Now, if you were to ask Xu Minghao what his favorite thing to do was, without a doubt the answer would be watching his boyfriend practice lacrosse.

 

Dating the captain of the lacrosse team had it’s perks other than the solid body and great stamina as Minghao was surprised to find out. The sky was blue, and the ground was too cold to sit on, but the hill was comfortable to stand on and the privacy of the good field was certainly a bonus when Jun ripped off his helmet and jogged over to his waiting boyfriend.

Roughly calloused hands ran through a black mullet. They weren’t kissing, not quite yet. No, they were just standing, hands running around their favorite spots, eyes glancing over what was theirs.

Minghao liked to notice how Jun’s smile was just so slightly crooked and his teeth were off kilter with it. Others liked to dwell on the perfect parts of his boyfriend. The muscles underneath his fitting athletic gear, The dimples that bore deep into his cheeks when he smiled. The jawline that tore into a sharp right angle.

That wasn’t what made his boyfriend Jun. What made him Jun was the way his hair was stringily hanging against his forehead, heavy with sweat. The way he could make Minghao roll his eyes and want to slap him yet feel nothing but the most horrible love he could imagine. The way there were bruises littering his skin that weren’t left overs from a rough game. The way his strong arms could hold his small shoulders when he was just too tired to even pretend to be okay.

 

They locked eyes. It was so intense words couldn’t even begin to explain. 

They were always soft with each other, Jun knew it was all Minghao’s body could take. Minghao knew it’s all Jun wanted.

Small touches. Soft kisses. Light laughter. Flowery conversations.

That’s all their lives held and it’s all they needed. It’s all they wanted. People had a hard time believing two teenagers could possibly enjoy that type of lifestyle but if they had even a glimpse of what goes on with the two on a daily basis at home they would have thought very differently. 

 

Jun retreated quickly after the kiss. Too quickly. Quickly enough that it left Minghao worried and apprehensive of what could possibly be going through his boyfriend’s mind. 

At that point the poor boy was breathing so loud it could be heard all the way up on that little hill. His hand was clasped around his chest. His eyes were shut tight and his face was turning red.

With one movement there were claws tearing down the lacrosse goal next to him. He brought it down so it narrowly avoided his foot and his boyfriend stood still, paralyzed with worry. 

When ruining the school’s property wasn’t enough for the twisted boy he decided to ruin his parent’s. Those same claws that tore down the net were then tearing down his face, leaving angry red lines that were bubbling with dots of red blood. 

Minghao didn’t know what to do, his boyfriend was mauling himself and he couldn’t do anything to stop it, even to slow it down, without possibly harming himself as well in the process.

It was when the boy took his stick and started to repeatedly beat it down across his knee that Minghao fumbled around in his pocket and pulled out his phone, dialing as quick as he could.

He blocked his free ear from Jun’s sobs of pain and horror at what he was doing to himself and raised the phone to the other.

 

“I need help, my…..friend…...is hurting himself, he scratched at his face and it looks like he’s breaking his kneecap with a lacrosse stick. We’re at Mission Heights Boarding School at the field by C building, please hurry!” He said it all in one breath, only pausing when the operator told him to take a bit of air into his lungs.

“It’s okay, we’re sending an ambulance and a team right now, can you tell me if he has any weapons?”

“Not other than the stick, but he’s strong, send strong guys!” Sobs racked through the small body. He knew there was nothing he could do and the phone operator only confirmed what he thought. There was nothing to be done other wait and hope. Hope that someone else could take care of the situation for him.

 

God, he was so done with hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm done apologizing for being shitty, I hope you enjoyed

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story I'm posting on Ao3 so if any of you have any tips whatsoever that would make this story better please tell me, I promise I won't be offended lol. I hope you enjoy this, I have a lot of ideas and I can't wait to share them all with you!!!


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